Tuesday, July 29, 2008

the luckiest mom ever.

Today marks 21 weeks 4 days since sweet Brenham went home to heaven. He has been gone for longer than he was here.
God had something much bigger and better planned for his life than we could ever have imagined. He has brought people to Jesus and made others realize how precious life is and to not take that for granted. He has impacted and changed this world in his short life more than most babies will their entire lives.
What a special little boy.
He is the greatest miracle that I have ever been a part of, and I feel so incredibly privileged to have been chosen to be his mommy.

We are so proud of you son.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Just to let you know

i am finally starting to feel better and having a lot less pain. Thank you for your prayers. Sleeping is still a struggle, i cant get comfortable and i always feel a pulling sensation on the tube when i lie down, but i am getting used to it slowly.

today i had a post-op appointment with the PD(peritoneal dialysis/home dialysis) nurse to do a trail fluid exchange to make sure the port works good(which it does) and also to finally get my layers and layers of gauze, pads and tape changed to a much smaller dressing. it feels better already.

I have 3 long day sessions of training on aug 13, 14, and 15 and after that i am on my own, free to do dialysis at home~cant wait! And a few weeks after that i can get my other port in my chest taken out! Hallelujah!

for the first month i will have to do 4-5 fluid exchanges throughout the day, which takes about a 1/2 hour each. once i get that down i can start learning how to use a cycler that runs during the night while i sleep. which will be so nice.
I think thats all!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

7 years ago today

was our first date!
It has been so cool to see how our love and friendship have grown over the past 7 years.
I love him more everyday and often wonder where and who i would be today if i didnt have him in my life.
He has been my rock. he is loyal and honest, strong and protective, loving and romantic, patient and understanding. a true man who loves me unconditionally.
My heart has been his since that first date and will be forever! Love you babe!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Welcome Clay Alan!

Welcome to the world Clay, you are so precious, we cant wait to watch you grow up. Know that you have a little buddy in heaven who would have loved to have grown up with you playing tractors and trucks together. We love you.
Congrats Brent, Kerri and Elliott on your newest addition.
God Bless.

Friday, July 25, 2008

My Perfect World

My Perfect World
Would be like this:

Everything covered in bubble wrap!!!
By the way things have been going lately i have developed an overwhelming fear and anxiety about what the next bad thing to happen will be. and as a way of preventing that i told robb that i want to lock up everybody who is near and dear to me in my house so i can watch and feel like i am protecting them from harm. But then as i was talking to a friend (hi al) today about that we realized that you cant even be completely safe in your own home so we came up with the idea of "bubble wrap world". What do you think? I think it might work, i better get busy. Oh and nobody better try to "pop my bubble" haha.

I have become a major worry wort. None the less...The Bible clearly teaches Christians to avoid worrying. In Philippians 4:6, we are commanded, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." In this Scripture, we learn that we should bring all of our needs and concerns to God in prayer rather than worry about them.
No worry is too big or small for His attention.

If there are worries in your life today, I encourage you to give them to Jesus. Let's do it together and just see what happens. whoa.. i have goosebumps!

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. proverbs 3:5 (thanks for this reminder jill!)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

My 2.5 minutes of fame!

Check this out.

You can read the article here.

There was also another TV interview that aired awhile back on Fox 17 news, and i will try and put that one up too sometime, but it takes forever to upload.

*Please pray for a better night tonight, i had a little issue last night while getting up to go the bathroom, i was in so much pain that what should have been a five second walk to the bathroom ended up taking 5 minutes and by the time i got there i was so exhausted that i about passed out and had to lie on the bathroom floor for awhile. Not Fun. but i think i was a little overdue for a pain pill so i will make sure to keep an eye on the time tonight and not go too long without a pill or two! Hopefully that will do the trick but i would appreciate your prayers.*

Monday, July 21, 2008

Surgery Story

We arrived at the hospital around 9:30 am and shortly after we got registered i was called back into the prep room to change into a gown and get that stupid iv put in and oh my, let me tell you it takes quite a lot for me to get upset with someone and let them know it but i was so annoyed after 15 minutes of stabbing me over and over again. Not a good way to start the day. But finally it was in.

I also got some blood drawn and it came back that my potassium is high(which could make your heart stop) so they almost made me go home and reschedule the surgery for a couple weeks later but i quickly put an end to that idea and convinced them to still go ahead with the surgery. They informed me that i wouldnt be able to have as high of a dose of the sedative anymore but that was okay with me, i just wanted this over with.

Ready to go~

~Love the hat~
Surgery went well. I guess i told them a couple of times that they were hurting me (which i can hardly believe, i usually dont like to admit to that..i try to be a toughie:) but i dont remember any of it!
I then went into the recovery room where robb joined me a few minutes later and took this picture of me(I cant believe i am showing this, maybe its the vicodin taking over:)

~I was soo out of it!~

He took notes on some of the funny stuff i said.
"Am i fat yet?" (i think that was b/c they told me once you start doing home dialysis you usually gain weight)

I asked him "whats that beeping noise?" like 5 different times, he said "it's monitoring your heart and i asked "whats wrong with my heart?" every time!

" I cant see good" (they had me take out my contacts before surgery but i dont remember doing that!)

Fun stuff!

I got to go home around 3:00 and i swear robb hit every bump in the road there was and drove over every railroad track(ouch) in all of grand rapids and missed every single exit we needed to take on the way home. i was not happy, but i forgive him now! haha. I wanted to be home soo bad.

I am still in quiet a bit of pain but the vicodin is helping. Check out my wound:

Thank you so much for your prayers, comments and emails, robb read me every one while i was in recovery.

Please continue to pray for a quick recovery and for a good, painless nights rest!

Surgery Update

I thought that I would quickly update everyone about Katie’s surgery today. Everything went as planned and we are home. Katie is doing well but is tired and has some discomfort. Thanks for all the prayers and words of encouragement. Please continue to pray for a quick recovery, and that the new type of dialysis works well.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

2 things

My surgery is set for tomorrow at 11:15 am. Please keep me in your prayers that it goes smoothly and for a quick and painless recovery.

blog status: robb and i have decided to keep the blog up and running the way it is at least for now. Switching over to a new site seems like a lot of work and its impossible to pick only 100 readers. And a few criticisers shouldnt be allowed to ruin it for everybody else. So for now, it stays.

But let me just put this out there to ward off rude comments~ this is my blog, i do this for me, not to please you or for attention (who would ask for this type of attention anyways??). if you dont like it, dont read it. you dont have to agree with everything i say or do but please just keep that to yourselves. The grieving process is a personal journey, different for everyone and this is the way i am doing it. No one has the right to tell me i am doing it wrong.

Thank you to the hundreds of you who emailed your invite requests and your sweet words of encouragement. you definitely had a lot to do with this decision. We really value your support.

Friday, July 18, 2008


I was just about to send out my first batch of private invites when i found out that there is a limit of only 100 readers. I didnt want to turn anyone away, everyone who emailed was to be added. I just thought that by doing this it would turn away those who were just being entertained and limit it to only those who truly care and were serious enough to email me their request. I just wanted a little more control over it and a way to limit some criticism.
But now i am in a dilemma, 100 readers is not enough and would require me picking and choosing which i did not want to have to do.
So for now hang tight while i decide what to do about this. I may look for a different blogging site which would possibly allow more readers or just make my current blog less personal(but that would kinda change my whole reason for starting a blog in the first place so we'll see) Still thinking. any suggestions would be great.
Stay Tuned.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Going Private

I have chosen to make my blog accessible to invited readers only. To get an invite please email me at katielubbers@hotmail.com with your email address in the subject line and i will email you back with an invite. My blog will go private on Saturday July 19.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Long Overdue Pictures

Here are some pictures of the coldstone fundraiser:

It was so much fun and we had a GREAT turnout! Thanks to everyone who helped scoop ice cream and to those who came out for ice cream, we really appreciate your support!!

And some pictures of our 4th of July Weekend:

walking off our dinner on the boardwalk in saugatuck

at the fireworks

me and pacey chillaxin' at the cottage

robb starting the fire

doesnt he look naughty? This is right after we caught him rolling around in goose poop...nice!

mmmm, hobo pies

playing war..i beat him twice!!

dinner on the deck.

We had a great time and enjoyed some much needed r & r.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

New Updates

I've got lots of updates as far as kidney stuff goes.

First of all, all the testing is completed now and I am officially on the donor list! I will be on a hold position until March 29, 2009 (one year from the day i started dialysis). After that day I am able to accept offers for a kidney. My family is able to start testing on December 28, 2008 to ensure that their results are really current.

On August 6 Robb and I will be heading to Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN for a second opinion. This is something we just feel we need to do mainly for peace of mind. There are just so many missing pieces to my case and i just dont feel 100% comfortable with anything until i hear from the best of the best. So please keep that in your prayers.

On July 21 I will be having surgery @ St. Mary's in GR. to put a new port in my stomach. It is called a tenkoff and it is a long tube placed into the abdominal cavity for peritoneal dialysis (which can be done at home!!!!) . Peritoneal dialysis is an alternative to hemodialysis (what i am on right now) - fluid is infused into the abdominal cavity, and it pulls toxins out of the body that way instead of using your blood.
So once that heals up good and i get back from Mayo i will be starting home dialysis called peritoneal dialysis or PD. I cant wait for that. I can get my life back. Most people feel much better on PD that they do on hemodialysis. So hopefully that is the case for me too.

I think thats it.

Thank you all for your encouraging comments and of course for your prayers.

Is this really my life??

I'm up late again so this might be just random ramblings. my body is tired but my mind wont give up.

I am in my deepest, darkest valley right now, I don't know why God keeps giving me more crap to deal with. How will i ever get to a peaceful place in my life when every time i get anywhere close to a step forward something happens to make me fall 10 steps back. At this rate i will never get anywhere with this grieving process. I have been cheated of that over and over again. Every month there is something new. Not only am I dealing with my own daily struggles i now have to pay the consequences of somebody else's mistake on top of that.
I am drowning. The waves keep crashing over me time and time again. I cant catch a breath. Every time I try to come up for air another wave crashes over me and pulls me under.
I am confused, I am angry, and hurt.
Did I do something to deserve this? It sure feels like a punishment.
Haven't I been thru enough? Why all of this, wouldnt just ONE of these issues be enough?
So many questions, so few answers.

I was sure that God would have shown me His plan by now and He would have wiped away my pain and saved the day but instead it is raining, no... storming even harder.
And i dont know what to do anymore.
I have tried being strong. I have tried staying positive. I have praised Him in the storm. And where has it gotten me?
Time will heal most of this, but not everything. Time will make some of it worse.
So what will make it better?
Tomorrow is a new day and after i hopefully get some sleep tonight i will wake up in the morning and read this over and probably regret posting it. i dont want to let anyone down by sharing my true thoughts, i will have better days ahead. but tonight this is my reality. my thought process.

Monday, July 7, 2008

It's July 7

***Updated @ 9:45 pm***
my due date. i have waited and anticipated this day for 9 months now. And its finally here, only instead of awaiting our baby's arrival we are left missing and mourning him. I have missed him so much but really how can you miss something that wasn't even supposed to be here until now? Now he really should be here, he should be home with us, we should be taking care of him now. Now the missing him has really begun.

Today Robb and I brought an "It's a Boy" balloon to Brenhams grave site to celebrate his due date. I am not really sure why, i guess i have always looked forward to getting a balloon like that one day, and thought, hey why not still get one. so i did,
here is how my conversation went with the dollar store lady(dsl) who i bought the balloon from:
me: i need the balloon that says "its a boy" number 72.
dsl: aw, okay, how old is the baby?
me: uh, just a day old.
dsl: oh, are you an aunt,
me: uh....nope... just a friend
dsl: oh is the little guy healthy?
me: yup. he is perfect.
dsl: well congrats to your friend. that will be $2.11
me: okay. thanks
dsl: oh looks like you have some problems of your own, whats that? (points to my port)
me: uh yea, i am on dialysis, can we stop talking now?
okay, so i didnt say that last part, but really come on. Call me chicken but i really didnt feel like getting into everything with this random stranger on a day like today.
Anyway, doesnt this look cute? Totally worth the awkwardness with the dollar store lady.
And there was even a new teddy bear camping out there, who brought him that? Thank you whoever it was, what a sweet surprise!

then this is what we saw on the way home from the cemetery on our church's sign:

its been quite a day, thanks for all your thoughts, prayers, and cards today.


Thursday, July 3, 2008

more suffering

A private matter has left me devastated once again. right when i thought nothing else bad could happen to us, it did. please pray for us. hard. and please respect that i will not be sharing the details on here. its a personal issue but i just want to relay this for prayer purposes only.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Welcome Brooklyn Grace

My best friend emily gave birth to her beautiful baby girl, brooklyn grace, on sunday June 29 at 5:13 am.

This occasion has been bittersweet for me. I am full of joy for her and her sweet little girl's long awaited arrival but also saddened that we will not be able to experience first-time motherhood together, just like we had always dreamed of.

Emily and i met in hair school and quickly realized that although we had never met before that first day of class we and our lives were "crazy similar" in so many ways it scared us.

Then this past december, we shared the news of our pregnancy to each other on the same day!! It still gives me goosebumps. We could not have planned that if we tried. Just another of the many things we had in common. We were due just days apart. And so so so excited to be sharing or first pregnancies together.

We spent the next few months shopping for baby books and baby clothes together and chatting over the phone about our latest cravings and doctors appointments. Life was so good.

Then on the same night of emily's engagement, a day we were both anxiously awaiting, brenham was born and went home to Jesus. That was the first of our live changing differences. The happiest day of em's life was the worst of mine. How could God do this to me?

Brooklyn was born on brenham's four month birthday at 5:13 am, brenham was born at 5:15 pm. The similarity continues.

I am heartbroken that they never got to meet, they would have been two of a kind too, just like their mommies, i just know it.

I love you em and brooklyn!