Saturday, February 28, 2015

He would have been 7 today. 

Had someone told me 7 years ago where I would be today in my grief journey, I never would have believed it. 
I remember thinking "I'll never be the same." And while that is true, I'm not the same, and won't ever be, I mean that in a totally different way than I did 7 years ago. 

 I thought I'd never be able to smile again, "how could I smile when all I do is cry?" I smile everyday. I smile when I pour my coffee that Robb makes for me every morning. I smile when I bring Grayden to kindergarten everyday and he prays for himself to grow big and strong. I smile everyday when Sadler says "Mom, you know something….." at least 10 times an hour. I smile whenever I see Jovie smile at me with her silly toothy grin and squinty eyes whenever she catches me looking at her. I smile at a text from a friend. A herd of deer in the back yard. A Facebook post announcing the birth of a new baby. 
I smile. 

 I thought I'd never be able to laugh again, "how could I laugh when my heart is so sad and broken?" I laugh everyday. I laugh at Robb's made up songs. I laugh when Grayden tells me he had a bad dream about me making him eat green peppers for snack time when everyone else had crackers and cheese. I laugh when Sadler asks me if Jesus is a boy or a girl. I laugh when Jovie makes a growling noise every time she see a picture of a dog. I laugh at a song. A movie. A funny line in a good book. 
I laugh. 

I thought I'd never be able to be happy again, "how can I be happy when I'm so devastated?" I am happy. I'm happily married to the best husband a girl can ask for. I spend my days with my 3 happy, healthy children. I'm happy being with my family. Being with my friends. I'm happy being the woman God created me to be. 
I am happy. 

I still struggle, and sometimes I still cry. I'll cry because I'm sad and because I miss him. And because I still wonder 'why?' But I also cry because I'm thankful and blessed. And because I know God is faithful. 

 "Weeping may last through the night but joy comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5

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8 Responses to “ Seven ”

Deb said...

Thankful God gives healing and hope! (and joy, smiles, laughter and happiness)

Mindy Roelofs said...

This is amazing! Had me crying and smiling! Love you sis!

Amanda Kapenga said...

Beautifully written!

Carrie said...

Happy birthday sweet boy! This post is beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Impossible becomes possible, thru Christ! Only because of Him, can we go on in it to it's fullest! Praise the Lord that you have experienced it! Continue to live for the Lord, teaching those little blessings that God has entrusted to you. Yes, God makes it possible!

K & J Sayers

Victoria said...

Happy Birthday Brenham!

I am happy that you are able to smile and laugh. You have been through a lot. I could only imagine how you felt 7 years ago. GOD is Faithful!!

Rachel C said...

Love that post. So many people feel the same way and are inspired by your experiences.

Kelsey Posma said...

so beautifully written, friend. you are truly an inspiration!