First of all, thank you so much for your sweet comments on my last post, your thoughts and prayers for us over the next several months are very much appreciated. If you missed our big announcement, you'll first want to click here and catch up :)
I'll do my best to try to explain how we got here...well, we all know how we got here, (this isn't that kind of blog!) but this is a little (actually a lot) of background on how we came to this decision (nope, not an 'opps", in fact it was very much so planned) to get where we are!
As most of you know, I had a kidney transplant in October of 2008, almost 5 years ago. When I first learned my kidney's had failed my doctor told me I wouldn't be able to have future children. That was super hard to hear, it would be for anyone but especially after just losing baby Brenham 4 weeks prior and dealing with that grief, as well as coping with the reality of my illness.
After further questioning, and talking to doctors at Mayo Clinic (where I had my transplant surgery done), I found out that it was because it would be risky, not because I wouldn't be able to physically get pregnant. But they (the doctor's at Mayo) believed, and had hope that if things were going well with my new kidney, if their were no signs of rejection, if my kidney disease didn't come back in the new kidney and if we waited 3-5 years post transplant it could be done.
That seemed like a long time...and a lot of 'if's' in uncharted territory...and without both my doctors on board...and considering everything we'd already been through, it just wasn't something we were comfortable with.
Adoption was something we were comfortable with.
We went on to adopt our adorable gift from God, Grayden Robert, who was born in May of 2009.
Then, to our surprise, about 3 years ago, shortly before starting the adoption process again, my doctor, completely out of the blue, told me he was so pleased with how my kidney was doing, and how well I was taking care of it, and that he was wrong. If we still wanted to become pregnant he would be completely comfortable with it.
That news took us by major shock, we thought and prayed about that possibility for awhile but ultimately decided to adopt again. Our hearts were already preparing for another adoption even before the doctor told me about his change of heart, and we just really love adoption, we just couldn't imagine not adopting again. And boy am I glad we did, our sweet Sadler Graham was born in April of 2011.
We've been so blessed!
Meanwhile, the thought of being pregnant again never left our minds or prayers. When we decided we'd like to have a third child join our family, the decision process started all over again...when and how. Do we adopt again? If so, domestically or internationally? Or, do we try to get pregnant?
After years of praying, numerous meetings with various specialists, blood tests and check ups, we were still undecided. We weighted out pros and cons, we asked God to send us a HUGE visible sign, like a billboard or something! It was the hardest decision of our lives.
I know some of you may think its crazy to not jump at the chance for a biological child, or to experience pregnancy again, but it wasn't like that at all. Like I said before, we love adoption and the joy it's brought to our lives. I can't bare to imagine life without these boys. If we don't adopt again would we be missing out on joyous gift? What will our boys think about this when they are old enough to understand? Do I care if I never have a biological child? No. Do I deeply want to experience pregnancy again? Yes. Are we taking too big of a risk? Or is it a leap of faith? Can I even get pregnant? My body has been through so many surgeries and medications. It's been almost 6 years since I was last pregnant. Will I be sick again during pregnancy? How will I be able to take care of my boys while throwing up all day? I even thought about how hard it would be to announce our pregnancy to those we know who have lost babies as well or are going though infertility.
In the end, I realized I was scared. Adoption is scary and pregnancy is scary. I felt God was really putting on my heart to give him control of the future of our family, and to trust him more. Something I'm absolutely terrible at doing. When I thought about what path would force me to trust him the most it was pregnancy. Not that adoption is a walk in the park, it certainly isn't, but during pregnancy I'd have to trust Him for my health, the baby's health and the health of my kidney in ways I never had before.
We decided to give pregnancy a chance. At my last appointment at Mayo Clinic the end of last Summer when everything checked out great, we told the doctor our plans. She reassured us of her confidence that things would go fine, and I switched one of my medications that would be safer for the baby. Once we learned that my body was tolerating the new medication just fine, we decided to give it a certain amount of time and if I got pregnant in the time frame, that was God's plan. And if I didn't get pregnant, that would have been God's plan too. We would have been disappointed, but not angry or sad. One thing we've learned over the past 5 years is that God's plan for our family is so much better than ours.
So here we are now. Pregnant.
Glory be to God!
There's still so much to tell you, the story of finding out I was pregnant, when the baby is due to arrive and everything in between. Stay tuned!
Once we're all caught up, I'm planning to only post pregnancy related posts on Saturdays. I know how hard posts like these can be to read if you're grieving the loss of a baby or longing for a child, so if you'd prefer not to see them, avoid Saturdays (and I totally won't blame you, or even know, for that matter), and know that I'm so sorry for your pain and I'm praying God gives you comfort and peace.
I went back and forth on whether or not to journal my pregnancy on this blog or not, the last thing I want to do is cause anyone pain, but ultimately decided I would document it here. It's one of my biggest regrets about my pregnancy with Brenham, I didn't journal anything, and barely took belly pictures, and now I'd give anything to have those post to read through.
This pregnancy is a dream come true, and a second chance at something we thought we'd never have, we want to remember every moment of it.
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