It was February 29, leap year day, 2008. I was 21 weeks 4 days pregnant with our first baby, due July 7, 2008. Everything was going great other that the typical morning sickness and a few other normal wintertime illnesses. We were so excited, the names had just been decided on, the crib ordered, and paint for the nursery picked out. We just had the ultrasound two weeks prior and everything looked great. The little peanut had just said "hi" to daddy with a nice kick the night before! I was finally starting to relax and enjoy the pregnancy, when one day that all changed.
I was working my second job at a retail store only instead of working on the floor i was watching the owner's little boy (who i love) until my normal shift was to start. It was around 2:00 and Will was just finishing up his lunch when i started feeling a little funny. It wasnt until 2:30 when the pain in my stomach was getting worse that i called my doctor. Thinking it was probably just something i ate or maybe braxton hicks, i didnt know what to think when he told me it sounded like i was in labor and to "be prepared". Robb picked me up and we headed to the hospital. On the way there the pain was unbearable and then i too thought "yup, this must be labor". We prayed the whole way there and called our parents and told them to pray.
When i got to the hospital i was hooked up to the monitors and sure enough i was contracting like crazy. My doctor got there within 20 minutes and checked me right away. Then he sat down in the chair next to us, put his hand on my leg and said, "Okay, Katie, you are completely dilated, you are going to have this baby today" i can still hear it. Robb immediately started to cry and i just closed my eyes and wished it away. I was shaking uncontrollably. The nurses started a fluid I.V. with much trouble and lots of bruises later they finally got it started.
My water broke and i started bleeding like crazy. The nurses and doctor started to panic a little and i quickly received a spinal block and had to start pushing. I had no idea what to do. I hadnt taken the classes or read that far in the book yet but after only 5 pushes at 5:15 pm, our son Brenham Jay was born. He was feet first and Robb was great through the whole thing. He even told me "it's a boy" just like I always dreamed of. The doctor cut his cord and the nurse whisked him away while the doctor scraped away at my insides. What had happened was my placenta came detached from the uterus wall and that caused the preterm labor. Along with a weak cervix there was nothing that could have been done.
Brenham lived for 3 minutes and when the nurse brought him back for us to hold he was already gone. We held him for as long as we wanted. He was perfect. He had my lips and nose and everything else was ALL Robb, lucky baby!! He was 13.4 oz and 10.5 inches long. Our family came up to hold him and cry with us. They were great. We had to make the funeral arrangments the next day. We picked out his casket the day we were supposed to be picking out bath tubs and bouncy seats.
The service was great we played this slide show http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaUDEozHkCI and there were tears streaming down everyones faces. Robb carried Brenham out of the chapel and we placed him in the grave. We each placed a shovel full of dirt over the casket. Something no parent should ever have to go through. You expect your grandparents to die but not your baby. We are crushed. And miss him so much. I guess that kick Robb felt the night before that we thought was a "hello" was actually a "good-bye". Please pray!
Katie
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59 Responses to “ The day that changed my life forever.. ”
I'm so sorry for your loss, Katie. I want you to know that, even though we are complete strangers, I continue to pray for the three of you. Your story and your bravery in telling it have touched my heart. God bless you, your husband, and your little boy.
Praying for you as you struggle with your loss. What a beautiful little boy. While I know it is a comfort that he is being rocked in the arms of Jesus, it doesn't take away the pain of not being able to rock him in yours. May God confort and keep you and your husband.
Katie, I linked to your blog through Angie's. I don't know you, but I wanted to contact you. I want to say first that what you are going through, the loss of your precious son is an atrocity. This world we live in is broken though - and I eagerly await the time when all things will be made new. I lost my son when I was just over twenty weeks in December. After almost 4 months, I can look back and say with certainy: God is faithful and He will carry you. Do what you need to do to get through each day, hour, or minute - if it means being angry, sad, quiet, alone, or even happy, joyful, laughing, being with others - know that God can work in and through all of it. My prayers are with you.
Katie,
I don't know you, but I was on the Nest and due the same day as you, 7/7/08.
I just gave birth to my baby boy on Easter Sunday at 24w5d. They are giving him a 50% chance of survival and an 80% chance of physical or mental disabilites.
Though I do not know exactly what you are going through my heart breaks when I read your story and know that I may shortly be experiencing the same exact grieving process.
Whatever happens in this life, we know that God only gives us as much as we can handle and your faith in Him is amazing. Stay strong and I will keep you, your husband and sweet Brenham in my thoughts and prayers.
Katie, I found your blog through the Nest. I can't begin to describe how sorry I am for your loss. May God be with you and your husband through this difficult time.
Katie,
This is Chalmette from the Nest Baby. Just wanted to say that I think about you often and you & Robb are in our prayers.
When you are ready, I know that God will bless you with beautiful babies. You deserve so much joy.
Love in Christ,
Jill
{{{{hugs}}}}
Katie, I've stumbled upon your blog from a post on thenest...I rarely post there anymore but was k912sbride...I not only felt compelled to tell that your story touched my heart, but also because my husband and I (Jay-Jason) have a son...Brenham as well. I cannot begin to imagine what you've been through and continue to go through but just know that we are Thinking of you, praying for your family and your little angel...
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
~Hebrews 11:1
God is funny. Today, we led me to your blog and has given me a source of inspiration for the rest of my week. And for that, thank you for living for Him.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my daughter on March 5, 2008 due to a ruptured uterus. Our due dates, and loss dates are very close.
Katie, I was web surfing tonight and stumbled on your blog. I believe that God sent me here for a reason. Your story is almost identical to my story. My son weighed 1 lb 4 oz and was born on December 1, 1967. Back then the hospital did not even have an incubator much less a neonatal care unit. Mothers were heavily sedated the minute a lost was expected and kept that way for days. So by the time I regained consciousness my son had already been buried.
I cry for your loss just as I cried for mine. But, I thank heaven that you had time with your son and that by being able to blog your story you will find closure that I never had.
Oh, by the way, July 7th is my birthday. I will light a candle for all of you.
Your strength is admirable. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure blogging about your experience helps many women who feel nobody can relate.
As a fellow mommy, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. Your estimated due date, 07.07.07 was the day my daughter was born. I'm going to say a prayer that God will bless your family and go hug my baby a little tighter.
KATIE JO/MINDY, ROBB/KYLE & FAMILY CONGRATULATIONS ON SWEET SUCCESS!
OUR PRAYERS & JOY ARE WITH ALL OF YOU, FOR YOUR SPEEDY RECOVERY.
WE HOPE TO SEE YOUR SMILING FACES BACK HOME SOON!
GODS HUMBLE SERVANTS & YOURS.
THE STAFF @ K&R
Wow, I went back and re-read this today and what an unbelievable journey you have been through over the last 8 months! Praying that with the transplant behind that life's blessings begin to flow your way again.
I have sat here for a long time thinking of what to write. I stumbled across your blog and I am so very sorry for your loss. Your son was due on my fathers birthday...however my father passed away a year. I just want you to know that your family is in my thoughts and prayers. God bless your family.
i'm so sorry! i have a daughter who was born on july 10 this year...i can't imagine what you've been through....i really appreciate that you have shared your life and your dependence and love for our God. Thank you SO much and i will be praying for you!
I am so touched by your story...I sit hear with tears in my eyes thinking of how hard this time of year must be for you.
Your story has made be appreciate the things in life even if they arent the way you would want them to be but to remember they are this way for a reason.
God has a plan for you remember that as these next few months come.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your story.
Katie,
I just found your blog today, and I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. My husband and I lost our first child, Luke, this past March. It is so hard especially at this time of year. I wanted to let you know that we will be thinking of and praying for you and your husband.
Hello Katie, My name is Bri. I too have had 3 children all preterm... My first daughter was born at 23 weeks, our son was born at 17 weeks and our second daughter was born at 21 weeks. It is indeed a testimony in and of itself. I know it is hard and some days it is harder than others. Our last child was born Dec 5th 2006 and it is still hard some days. It is good to see your faith shining through all of the pain and confusion.
We are now foster parents to children "without" parents. We are hoping to adopt the two boys that are currently in our home. I never thought this would be my life but is has been none other than the Hand of God revealing HIS plan for my life and not my own plans...
Thank you for sharing your story. I will keep updated with you and pray for you as I am led from day to day. If you need any encouragement or just someone to scream at you can visit my blog and email me. It is great to have people helping carry the burdens in your heart.
Blessings! Your son is beautiful!!!
My condolences to you, Robb and your family. My wife and I feel your pain. Our son Augusten was born at 2:27 AM ET on January 5, 2009 at 30 weeks. He died a day or so before this from accidental cord entanglement in the womb. Knowing that others are getting through terrible times like this helps me.
Peace be with you.
Im so srry for your loss. I was told of your page by my nurse at the hospital. On january 6 2009 my beautiful daughter Carmella Lynn came into this world, but sadly she was still born. I was only 22 weeks 4 days along. She was my first pregnancy and I had so many dreams and hopes for her. I am still trying to come to terms with what happened, but am afraid I never will. I heard her heartbeat not 20 minutes before she came. She knows how many people loved her, me most of all. Im not really sure where to go from here. I just keep thinking it was my fault, that it was something I did. I have great family members and friends to lean on until I can stand on my own again. Although I know every families greive differently, its good to know there are others who can relate to me.
hi katie,
i came across your blog and cried for you and your family. i had my daughter on june 11, 2008 and could not imagine your loss. brenham jay is a lucky little boy to have such amazingly strong parents. thank you for sharing your story.
I'm here from IComLeavWe, and wow. I'm so sorry for your loss. Amazing that u can write about it. I lost one pregnancy quite early three years ago... Anyway, consider this a virtual 'hug'. God bless.
I too come here from IComLeavWe, and I am touched by your story. I am sorry for your loss. What you had to endure no mother should. I wish you and your family nothing but happiness for your future.
(((HUGS)))
Katie - I know we don't know each other, but I read your blog in it's entirity. You are an amazing woman. Word's cannot express how bad my heart hurt for you and your loss. Your faith is a testimony to all christians and non-believers as well. Your story has touched me in so many ways and I feel so differenly about life now. Continue to praise God and HE will deliver you. God Bless!
Katie,
I happened upon your blog by link from another GP'ers blog. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I am a NICU nurse & unfortunately see loss like yours *way* too often. I am heartbroken for you & your husband. Sweet baby Brenham will always be your guardian angel & he will always be with you.
Kim
Katie,
Our daughter passed this blog onto me...
We lost a daughter at 36 weeks, almost 28 years ago. She died during early labor. She was perfect in every way and we never did learn what happened, BUT, praise God, we had three healthy and beautiful children after that. They are now 27, 25, and 23. I'm a professional photographer and have been involved with an organization called, "now i lay me down to sleep". We go into the hospitals and take professional photographs of babies and families in similar situations. Perhaps someone will read your blog and learn about us. The website is: www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org
I know that it's too late for you, but perhaps somewhere in your passings, you'll encounter someone in a similar situation and can share this information.
I understand the feelings you have now, and nothing anyone can say, will make a difference. But I can say from personal experience, that God brings peace and time will heal. You'll never forget about Brenham. He will always be your angel and I promise, you'll be together again someday.
Peace be with you.
Katie--I just came across your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Brenham. I lost my baby girl, Sydney Alexis, on February 10, 2009. I went into preterm labor at 20 weeks due to a uterine infection.
Katie I am a friend of missy and lu's, and I wanted to let you know I know what you are going through I also was expecting and was due february 27th. I was on my way to kadens baptisim february 15th sunday, when I didnt feel any movement. when I got to the hospital. The doctors told me my son jackson was already gone. The pain I had knowing I still had to deliver was so heartbreaking. I had just went in that friday to my doctors,and he was doing great. He had a good heartbeat he was ready.. I am just so blessed I was able to see my son,if only for a short time. He also had my nose and lips and the rest of my husband.. You and your family are in my prayers. You will have your minutes hours and even days but everyday will get a little easier.. I always tell myself this saying everyday, and I would like to share it with you.... LORD HELP ME TO REMEMBER THAT NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME TODAY THAT YOU AND I TOGETHER CANT HANDLE.. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers..& remember You are not going through this alone...
Katie,
I just found your blog through Angie's.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know some of the heart ache you have gone through and I just ache for you.
I gave birth to twin boys at 25 weeks gestation and lost our first born when he was ten days old.
It was six years ago and God has blessed us beyond any tihng we could've imagined, but we will always hurt for our little boy.
Praying for you!
I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your sweet boy.
tears...I am hurting for your loss so much right now...
inspired to love a little better and relish in the miracle of my babes a little better today...
thank you
I'm so sorry for your loss Katie. I too lost my first born son very early at 19 wks.I bleed through my whole pregnancy and then we found out he had almost no fluid in utero and I was bleeding heavily, so much that I may hemmorage. My son was born and lived for 6 hours.I know the kind of pain you go through and just wanted you to know, I am thinking of you and praying for you.
http://myboysmygreatestgiftsinlife.blogspot.com/
I'm so sorry you had to go through this! You will be with him again someday.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son! I just saw your new update and I'm praising God that He wanted to bring another special little boy into your life! Praying for you through the continued grief and Praising Him for His mercy. I have buried children and it is NOT an easy road. HUGS and prayers!
Laura
I am a grandmother of a grandson I lost on July 5, 2004. We had just found out that he wouldn't live to be full term. My daughter was so hurt and sad as you know. Thinking we were prepared for it all I found myself very surprised. Mathew was very small but whole. I can't believe how strong my daughter was. I think we fed off of her strength.
I think of Mathew almost every day. I know have a almost 5 yr. grandson. See Mathew's mother was from my 1st daughter. Her sister my 2nd daughter was also pregnant. The boys would have been 1 month apart. Now my 3rd daughter has given me a 3rd grandson. My first daughter hasn't had any more children. Her husband doesn't want to try again.
God bless you and your family for what you now have and your little one looking after you from above.
God Bless.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are a stong mother... with two beautiful little boys. God bless.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your sweet little boy is in heaven and you will see him again one day, perfect and waiting for you.
Thank you for sharing your story,
Your story and comments have brought me to tears. It is so touching and heart breaking. A close family member is going through a similar time right now. You are right - it is something that no parent should have to experience. I am so sorry for your loss.
Just came across your blog and have enjoyed reading your story...it is so touching. I am SO sorry for your loss and cannot imagine how difficult that would be. You are an amazing woman. :)
Hello Katie, You may not remember me, but I was a part of the team of people that took care of you while you were in Rochester. For some reason I thought of you and Robb and decided to look up your blog again. I am so excited to see you have a baby!!! I was reading along and wiping away the tears of joy for you and your family. You have to be the CUTEST family in the world. You guys look so happy and I just wish you all the best!
Take Care!
Kari
Katie,
I was somehow led to your blog today. You are truly amazing. Your strength is admirable. I recently gave birth to our son Bryson, our first. He was born premature @ 28 weeks 4 days due to preeclampsia and 20% of the placenta was abrupted when they delivered him. He has done amazingly well and is God's precious gift. I pray everyday for what he has given us and now I have Him to thank for leading me to your blog. I am continuing to build my faith in God everyday and will pray for your incredible family too.
I came across your blog today, I have spent most of my afternoon reading your life story! Katie I admire your strength and your faith! I hope one day I can obtain such will! Bless you and your beautiful family!
wow Katie you are amazing AND so strong.. i hope i find your strength someday. i lost my little girl 6 weeks ago at 20 weeks and am a broken woman. you give me some hope.
http://angelthebrighteststar.blogspot.com
I happened to stumble upon your blog today, and I just happen to be exactly 21 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my first son. I have had some complications this pregnancy, but I cannot fathom a loss like yours. I will pray for complete healing for you and your family.
wow, i just found your story from "its a wonderful life" and was struck by the date of your arrival in the hospital....i was admitted to the hospital on 2/29/08 as well (leap year, i'll never forget!) in preterm labor...they were able to hold off labor for 5 days but i eventually delivered my identical twin sons at 23 weeks, 3 days...they lived for only 2 and 3 days...
i look forward to catching up on your story and i am so very sorry for your loss.....i know the pain and heartache all too well....
Praise God for blessing you with another child!
While I can't fully imagine everything you went through with your first son, I can relate in a small way. I miscarried with my first at 6 weeks, and my second at 12 weeks. There is nothing like loosing your child. I wish I had the chance to hold mine like you did though. I now have a healthy, beautiful 18-month-old son who is the sunshine of our world, looking forward to another one someday! May God continue to bless you and your family.
I lost my daughter when I was 12 weeks along. Her dad and I split up because of the stress of it all. You are very blessed to have such a wonderful and strong family. I hope that someday I will have a family like that. Congratulations on having Grayden! I'm praying for all of you.
Hello My name is Asia,And i have recently gone through a similar situation with My Daughter,I was 25 weeks along.She went to be with god march 30th of this year,I need a little advice,I'm not sure where to go from here.
My close friend turned on toward your blog. First let me say how sorry i am for your loss. I know 1st hand how hard it is to lose a child. I hope as i read your story to become inspired by as my friend hopes it helps me deal with my loss. It was 5 years on July 30th and it never gets easier it just gets harder, for me anyway.
I just stopped by because I saw that you had a link to my site on today's post - thank you for mentioning my blog.
But then I saw your story...and oddly enough I attended the funeral today of a baby...it was a very hard morning - such a tiny casket :-( and grieving friends who I love dearly and don't want to see hurting. These are hard moments in life that stretch our faith.
Thank you for sharing your story and for ministering to my heart today.
Much Love,
Courtney
I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I would have been doing that anyway, but even more so because just 2mths ago I too lost a little one. She was 12wks gestation (though they say she died at 6wks). The pain of that was hard enough, but I can't imagine having gone to 21wks like you. At least we can be comforted by the fact that they are "living it up" with God now, a far better place than this old world.
Hi friend!
I just came across your blog and read your story and it brings back so many memories. I had the exact same thing happen to me almost 10 years ago. I was 35 week pregnant and it was the most horrific thing for a person to go through. My heart bleeds for you and your family. Sending you a great big hug!
p.s.you don't have to publish this comment, but here is a link to my blog where I share my story if you would like to read.
http://www.imasouthernmomma.com/2010/02/our-little-man.html
xoxo
angela
Words don't do much to help with a pain that deep. I know I don't know you, but please know that my heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. I know this happened a little while ago, but I'm sure that your heart still hurts every day. You are a brave, brave woman.
Im not sure where I saw your blog - I think it may have been from Baby Be Blessed - My heart aches for your loss. No parent should ever have to bury a child. Ever. I pray that you can take comfort in the knowlege that Heavenly Father is caring for your son and that you will see him again in the next life. I send you love and prayers and strength. And I send you Hope and Faith.
Much love. Much much love.
Hi Katie - I am so sorry to hear of you and your family's precious angel taking flight. I was just searching the web for the book "When Hello means Goodbye" and I came across this. Four of my babies took flight. 3 to an incompetent cervix and one to Trisomy 18, OEIS and Spina Bifida. Your angel is up there with my 3 daughters and one son having the time of their lives!! (((HUGS))) to you and yours.
I'm visiting from Jenna's Journey. I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in 2005 at just 10 weeks & that was unbearable to me. I cannot even begin to imagine what it's like to have to bury your baby/child. That is truly my worst fear and even though I know I can't make my own plans I pray to God every night not to take my babies from me.
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