I'm up late again so this might be just random ramblings. my body is tired but my mind wont give up.
I am in my deepest, darkest valley right now, I don't know why God keeps giving me more crap to deal with. How will i ever get to a peaceful place in my life when every time i get anywhere close to a step forward something happens to make me fall 10 steps back. At this rate i will never get anywhere with this grieving process. I have been cheated of that over and over again. Every month there is something new. Not only am I dealing with my own daily struggles i now have to pay the consequences of somebody else's mistake on top of that.
I am drowning. The waves keep crashing over me time and time again. I cant catch a breath. Every time I try to come up for air another wave crashes over me and pulls me under.
I am confused, I am angry, and hurt.
Did I do something to deserve this? It sure feels like a punishment.
Haven't I been thru enough? Why all of this, wouldnt just ONE of these issues be enough?
So many questions, so few answers.
I was sure that God would have shown me His plan by now and He would have wiped away my pain and saved the day but instead it is raining, no... storming even harder.
And i dont know what to do anymore.
I have tried being strong. I have tried staying positive. I have praised Him in the storm. And where has it gotten me?
Time will heal most of this, but not everything. Time will make some of it worse.
So what will make it better?
Tomorrow is a new day and after i hopefully get some sleep tonight i will wake up in the morning and read this over and probably regret posting it. i dont want to let anyone down by sharing my true thoughts, i will have better days ahead. but tonight this is my reality. my thought process.