Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Is this really my life??

I'm up late again so this might be just random ramblings. my body is tired but my mind wont give up.

I am in my deepest, darkest valley right now, I don't know why God keeps giving me more crap to deal with. How will i ever get to a peaceful place in my life when every time i get anywhere close to a step forward something happens to make me fall 10 steps back. At this rate i will never get anywhere with this grieving process. I have been cheated of that over and over again. Every month there is something new. Not only am I dealing with my own daily struggles i now have to pay the consequences of somebody else's mistake on top of that.
I am drowning. The waves keep crashing over me time and time again. I cant catch a breath. Every time I try to come up for air another wave crashes over me and pulls me under.
I am confused, I am angry, and hurt.
Did I do something to deserve this? It sure feels like a punishment.
Haven't I been thru enough? Why all of this, wouldnt just ONE of these issues be enough?
So many questions, so few answers.

I was sure that God would have shown me His plan by now and He would have wiped away my pain and saved the day but instead it is raining, no... storming even harder.
And i dont know what to do anymore.
I have tried being strong. I have tried staying positive. I have praised Him in the storm. And where has it gotten me?
Time will heal most of this, but not everything. Time will make some of it worse.
So what will make it better?
Tomorrow is a new day and after i hopefully get some sleep tonight i will wake up in the morning and read this over and probably regret posting it. i dont want to let anyone down by sharing my true thoughts, i will have better days ahead. but tonight this is my reality. my thought process.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Being up late, alone is the worst! People will tell you to 'keep your head' up or some crap like that, but they don't realize that doesn't help one bit. You sound really low...dangerous to yourself low. TALK to your family so they can stay close. So they can be with you in your darkest hours, when you need extra love and support. When the sun rises tomorrow, things will look a bit better...til then...you are not alone.

Jennyc said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling so defeated. I know that it seems nothing can bring you out of this. When you finally wake up in the morning things may seem more positive. If you regret this post just know that we understand with healing comes some inner sad and dark feelings. You have to vent them somewhere so please don't ever think you are letting us down. I lost my baby in 1993. I remember sitting alone in stolen moments crying "why me. Its not fair!!!" I know that you have health problems that are just putting your grieving process at a stand still. I know that is just not fair. It sounds like there is alot more going on in your life that is making things worse. I will pray and pray that some blue skies come to your rainy days. I don't want you to loose that smile.

The VanderZwaag's said...

Katie & Robb:

Not quite sure what to say. I just keep praying. Praying for peace for you both, Praying for a kidney for Katie, and just praying God would show you His plan!

You both are incredible people with incredible faith and honestly, it is ok to feel this way! I hope that you did enjoy some rest last night and that you feel refreshed.

Lord, please be with Katie & Robb today and give them what they stand in need of.
Amen!

Anonymous said...

I understand where you're coming from - the feeling that you keep getting hit with waive after waive of bad news and bad events. I recently went through two and a half years of feeling that way. The good news is that you get through it. While it's happening, you think there's no way you'll survive. But you do. That doesn't mean the pain just goes away one day, or you completely forget the bad things that have happened. But you get to a point where the waves stop hitting, and you can start to appreciate the good things and move beyond the bad. I know you'll get to that place. It's ok to ask these questions. You're in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

You are not letting anyone down, you are being real. We are praying hard.
-Ryan and Lydia

Anonymous said...

Katie,
Just because you have low feelings doesn't mean you don't have a strong faith. Look at David in the psalms. So many times he thought very low thoughts. He went between "listen to my sighing, listen to my cry for help!" in Psalm 5, to "have mercy on me oh God" in Psalm 51, to "let the name of the Lord be praised" in Psalm 113. He made it clear that he was human and you can be too. It's just that you need to keep expressing yourself instead of keeping it inside. Much more healthy! Keep talking to those who love you and to God, even if you yell at Him, he loves you! It may not feel like that now. I will continue to pray for you every day.
Myrna

Nate Vande Guchte said...

Katie-

Know that those around you are still there. We are praying and hurting with you. We have no idea what you are going through, but we are hoping and praying that God's light will shine through as soon as possible. Hang in there Katie, you always have been a fighter.

-Nate

Anonymous said...

Kudos for finally being honest. Anger and fear are as much a part of grief as acceptance is.

Val said...

Katie,
I just hate to hear your hurting so badly yet!!!! I know things will get better, I just know it!!! Tell us how we can help more, but I will be praying in the mean time!!!!!! Love you girl!

Ashley said...

Katie,
I wanted to share with you some words that a wonderful person sent me in the few weeks after we lost Joshua. I had expressed to her feelings similar to what you were feeling when you wrote this (sorry if it's a little long). I go back and read this email every so often, it's always an ecouragement to me, I hope it is for you too.

"there is no 'normal' in this story, although many will tell you there is. many will tell you there's a process, or a formula, or stages - and if you pass through them in a certain order, at a certain pace, you'll heal quicker . . . healing is a good thing, a gift, but it's deep and winding and complex and totally untraceable.

humans like to compartmentalize and to understand and pretty much
everything about God is totally indecipherable. i don't understand Him but i love Him. don't worry if you really don't like Him. loving God is like
catching a scent on a breeze that captivates you - and yet, you don't know why, or where it comes from, or what it reminds you of. let Him do the wooing.

let Him convince you that He's good. i'm not saying to shut down, to quit talking to Him - if you need to yell, then by all means, yell. it's a whole lot better than turning your back and walking away. but as for the loving part, well, we love Him because He puts it in us to love Him. i have to wake up a lot and say, 'get me through this day. and please God, convince me you can... and that you want to.'
it's like the man in mark who asks Jesus to heal his son, saying, 'Lord, i believe!' and with the next breath cries out, 'help me overcome my
unbelief!' basically - 'who am i kidding? i don't believe any of this! but if you help me to, i think i could!'"

I'm praying for you.
Ashley

Justine said...

Please don't feel bad for posting your true thoughts! We, as your brothers and sisters in Christ, are here to support you and gather around you and grieve with you. And don't be afraid to admit those thoughts to God either. He is bigger than all of that and can handle it.
We love you and are crying and praying right along with you, even though we may be miles apart...

Anonymous said...

I believe God doesn't let bad things happen to anyone, but he's there to help us through them. Years ago I read "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" by Harold Kushner - it's a wonderful book and may bring you some comfort.

Anonymous said...

Our prayers are with you and will continue to hold you up!

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear that you are feeling overwhelmed and in such despair at this time.
As I was reading your latest post, I was reminded of Job in the Bible and how he received wave after wave of bad news and things going desparately wrong in his life. He too went through a period of depression and despair.
Do remember that these bad things happening to you are not directly from God but that He is allowing them to happen. (I don't know why). He promises not to allow anything to happen that He will not be right there with us and will help us to find a way out. It may look very dark right now but He promises that Joy comes in the Morning. (Some nights just seem so long)
We are continuing to pray for you and Robb and you whole family.

Anonymous said...

Katie
It's been a while since I wrote you. Yes, you are truly going thru a "storm" in your life right now. The rain has to end--we don't know when! We know God hasn't made a mistake yet, and He won't start with one today!! Our finite minds, cannot understand His infinite wisdom! Please keep talking to God and reading His Word. Grab those who can weep with you and laugh with you. Many on this blog aren't close enough in distance to hug you, but remember these comments come with loving arms reaching out to hug you and comfort you. Here's my prayer for you:

God, please give K & R an extra portion of your love and grace today. Let them be relieved of some of the pain and sorrow they have been living with. Let their faith remain strong in You, that they will be able to give You all the glory and their highest praise!! Have them continue to serve You. I pray I can be an encouragement to them, as they have been to me!!
J Sayers

Steve Aardema said...

Robb & Katie:

I hope someone has passed on the offer of talking if need be. I have mentioned it to a few people since we don't really know you well. But oh the journey both our families have been on. I don't have all the answers and don't count on ever getting them. I know the only comforting thing that has ever made sense for me is "I'll be praying for you!" Know that I have prayed for you guys several times over the past several weeks. perhaps I'll see the balloon when we're visiting Ali's gravesite.

Steve Aardema

Anonymous said...

Katie it sucks on days and nights like you are having. I have been there and was there for quite some time. Thought I would never catch a break and there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. It is very difficult to beleive it when you are expereincing it, but thngs can and will get better.

The hurt of losing Brenham will always be with you, but there will come a time when you two can be re-united. Keep faith alive and well. As far as the kidney need goes be confident that there is a blessing waiting to be received.

Good news can often be disguised as something different at first. God will take care of you!

Joy said...

Hi Katie and Robb, I just wanted to share a quote that I have on my fridge.
"Sometimes the Lord calms the storm; sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child."
The verse that was with it is Phil.4:7 And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Praying God will calm your hearts and give you peace today and in the days to come. Love and prayers, Joy Morren