Friday, February 27, 2009

you know you're a grieving mother when...

*(thanks for this idea Nicole, its cheap therapy.)*


You know you're a grieving mother when...

~you go to carters and pick out an outfit that your son would have worn for his first birthday party and for a moment actually consider buying it because he just would have looked so handsome in it.

~when you call the bakery back after you get home from ordering your dead son's birthday cake to change your cake order from white cake to chocolate cake just so you can picture him getting filthy while he self-fed himself, sportin' only a diaper, sitting in his highchair and cry after you hang up with the baker.

~when your mind is so lost in the pain that you run your cell phone thru the washing machine, mis-place your wallet, mis-place an important document, forget to wear your coat to lunch (in the 20 degree weather) with a friend and cut a slice out of the cake she brought for your son before you remembered to take a picture of it, and they all make you want to burst into tears

~when your husband turns the light off while you are in the shower, your heart instantly skips a beat and your first thought isn't "oh robb turned the light off" but rather "this is IT!! Jesus has come back for us" (not sure why, but that was my reaction) and then in that same second your heart sinks to realize that nope, robb just turned the light off. But that is how bad you want to see your son again and be with Jesus for all eternity.

~when one day this week your lunch consisted of a cookie, brownie, milky way bar and glass of milk and when your husband does the same thing another day only has an orange soda instead of the milk and you scold him for having WAY to much sugar.

~Whenever you randomly glance at the clock at 5:15 pm you stand still until it reads 5:18 pm and wonder what was going through your son's mind when he slipped away during those 3 minutes.

~When never have so many tears fallen onto the keyboard as you read all of the 68 and counting sweet comments written by mostly strangers to remember your son on what would have been his first birthday.

~When a bunch of strangers in blog land can become your best friends when they pray and encourage you through your life's darkest moments and at the end of the day you feel so very blessed for life's tiny treasures.

57 comments:

The Bossy Yankee said...

I did not comment the other day I was waiting for it to be closer to his birthday.

Happy Birthday to your sweet boy. I am thinking of you and Rob and can only imagine how hard this is for you.

Have cake and buy the outfit if you want to. It is ok to do those things it is all part of how you choose to celebrate.

Brenham is very lucky to have you for a momma.

Trish said...

your emotions are all too familiar for me. that first birthday is rough. {a lot of days are hard, but the birthday is harder}

i am thinking of you and wanted to let you know if you ever need a friend who understands, we live in the same town. it's always nicer to talk to someone who actually understands. i'm sure my Caylin is celebrating with your Brenham on his 1st birthday :)

Darci said...

However you choose to celebrate is what's best for you. All of your emotions and thoughts are normal. That first Birthday is a rough one, but I truly believe it is something that should be celebrated. All of our babies had beautiful meaningful lives, no matter how short they were.I will be thinking of you this weekend.

Amy Owens said...

Happy Birthday Brenham. We look forward to seeing you in heaven. Praying for your parents during this difficult time in their lives.

Amanda said...

I haven't commented much on your blog. But, I do pray for you when God brings you to my mind. Happy birthday Brenham... you are blessed to have wonderful parents!

Nicole said...

Happy Birthday Sweet Brenham! Your safe up in heaven but know that your mommy & daddy miss and love you!

Katie & Robb,
I'm thinking of you both throughout these next couple days as you celebrate your son's birthday. Your in my prayers.
<3

AmberS said...

*Hugs*
Katie, I wish more than anything I could take your pain away. I am so sorry.

Heather said...

Oh my heart is just breaking for you :( I am new to reading you blog but have read and "caught" up with you and your story. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a sad and terrible loss, and I will be thinking of you and praying for you as you celebrate your sweet boy's birthday.
Hugs and prayers,
Heather~ On the Homefront

Amber, That's Me! said...

Thinking of you during these next few days and praying for your heart.

Nicole said...

Crying, amazing...I can't imagine what that must have felt like in the shower...what a relief it must have been...finally...sorry it wasn't reality...Brenham did more for me today than words can express...love you.

Jaclyn said...

Ok, not that this is by ANY means a funny post, but I have to admit that I was kind of laughing about the shower part...and only because I myself have had the same reaction before. It's kind of weird, but the thought of dying, or the rapture happening isn't scary knowing that I will see people I love amd miss so much once again...and of course be with Jesus for eternity.
I'm praying for you this weekend!

aLLieBooBeRZ said...

I'm thinking of you guys and praying for you both!

I have often found myself wondering the same "THIS IS IT!!!!" thoughts too!

-Allie

tscarter7 said...

Grief comes to differentpeople in different ways. You do what you need to in order to get through each day. If you want to buy that outfit or cake or whatever it is...just go ahead and do it! Praying for you....

Jennyc said...

I believe that Brenhams thoughts as he slipped away were.... I could not have asked for a better mommy and daddy. They are so beautiful and kind. He was maybe thinking how Lucky he was to have even a life time wrapped in just a moment.
Jesus' arms will protect Brenham until that far off day when you will all meet again in heaven.

Rebecca said...

Brenham is very lucky to have parents like you. You have honored his life in such remarkable ways. I will be praying for you during this especially difficult time.

2Erica2 said...

I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and praying for any kind of peace and comfort in his memory.

Anonymous said...

I'll be thinking of you in the next few days.

cara said...

Happy Birthday Brenham!!!! Your little boy is so lucky to have parent like you who love and care for him SO much. I will be praying for a little bit of peace and comfort for you in the next few days. Lean on God, He will carry you through.

Stephanie said...

Happy birthday sweet boy! You have wonderful loving parents. I can't wait to meet you in heaven one day!
Katie- You and Robb are in my prayers. I'm so glad you know the Lord and know the comfort only He can give.

Stephanie said...

Happy birthday sweet boy! You have wonderful loving parents. I can't wait to meet you in heaven one day!
Katie- You and Robb are in my prayers. I'm so glad you know the Lord and know the comfort only He can give.

Stephanie said...

Happy birthday sweet boy! You have wonderful loving parents. I can't wait to meet you in heaven one day!
Katie- You and Robb are in my prayers. I'm so glad you know the Lord and know the comfort only He can give.

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Courtney said...

Thinking about you more than ever this weekend as you celebrate and greive. I don't even know where to begin to let you know how amazing you all are. Happy Birthday in Heaven Brenham!

Courtney said...

Thinking about you more than ever this weekend as you celebrate and greive. I don't even know where to begin to let you know how amazing you all are. Happy Birthday in Heaven Brenham!

Krista said...

Happy Birthday precious boy. We miss you so much and wish more than anything that you were here celebrating with your mom and dad. Your life was so short, yet you impacted so many. You will never be forgotten and your birthday will always be a special day in all of our hearts.

Erin and TJ said...

Happy Birthday Brenham! Even though I may be a stranger to you guys...I feel so privileged and lucky to be able to read your blog and be inspired every day that I read it. You are an amazing family and you give so many others strength and courage to walk through this crazy journey called life. Keep strong and my thoughts and prayers will be with you today.

Daddy's Dream ~Mommy's Miracle said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRENHAM. WE KNOW YOU ARE CELEBRATING IN THE BEST PLACE. SEND YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY LOTS OF LOVE AND COMFORT.

BRAXTON'S MOMMY

A Truly Grand Haven said...

Happy 1st Birthday Brenham!
I know you are having a great party up in Heaven.

Katie~
I dont know what to say that would help. Just know that I am here and we are always praying for you.

Alli said...

Dear Katie,
I can't imagine what you are going through. Anniversaries can be so hard when they aren't being celebrated the way you had anticipated.
I know it was hard for me this past Monday as it was the 1 year anniversary that I got engaged. Ugh. It was hard bc. on April 22 my fiance left me. I'm dreading that day, and June 20, 2009. That's when we were supposed to be getting married.
I know our two situations are completely different and you definitely got the harder one (A LOT). But, I can just simply understand that this day and the days coming must be so hard. Just thinking about "what ifs" or where and what you would be doing this time of year with your little man. Just know that I, along with the rest of the bloggers that have fallen in love with you, Robb, and Brenham are earnestly praying for you and your family. Rest in HIS hands :)
Alli in SC

Mrsalmondswife said...

Happy first Birthday Brenham. I hope your celebration is a beautiful one.

Kriss said...

I haven't been able to get you off my mind the last couple of days. I pray that tomorrow and Monday bring you peace. Happy Birthday Brenham. -kriss

Rachael said...

Happy Birthday Brenham. I bet Jesus is throwing you the BIGGEST 1st Birthday party! My prayers are with you Katie and Robb. My you continue to lean on God for Support. Rachael

Lisa said...

Katie and Robb-

Thinking of you and praying for you. Celebrate however it feels right to you; that is what is important. You have a beautiful day today to launch the balloon, God has let the sun shine, halleluiah!
Lisa

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you hurt so deeply

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday to your sweet boy! I hope you both spend it however you want. Make it a magical day. I also wanted to let you know that i released 1 balloon for your precious son Brenham Jay, Know that poeple all over are with you today and always. You all are in my prayers everyday.
Brandi in MN

Amy, queen of the world. said...

I don't know what to say, but I don't want to always be a creepy blog-stalker with no comment. I'm very sorry for your loss, I'm sorry that you're experiencing what you're experiencing on what should have been your son's first birthday, and I'm sorry that I don't have something more substantial to say.

As a bit of comic relief, however, our power got knocked out while I was in the shower a few days ago... only I thought it was some crazy lunatic that cut the power and was now going to go all Psycho on me. :) I guess I should be more positive and think it's Jesus coming back like you!

Christie, Jeff and Kennedy said...

Happy birthday to Breham, Katie. You and Robb take of yourselves. I can imagine what his birthday feels like to you. You are in my prayers, and I hope the balloon launch went well today.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Breham! Praying for you and your family! :)

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday sweet baby Brenham...

Verna said...

Happy Birthday sweet, sweet Brenham.

Katie and Robb, our thoughts are with you.
As I was reading some of what others were saying how their little ones were up there celebrating with him, I just wanted to add. He is being spoiled rotten up there by my mother, my sister and sister-in-law. My mother had nine of us, so I know she is spoiling him and other little ones up there.
Love and prayers.

Emily said...

Katie,

You and Robb and little Brenham are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Anonymous said...

How very softly

You tiptoed into my world

Almost silently

Only a moment you stayed

But what an imprint

Your footprints have left

Upon my heart

MarriedBliss said...

Happy Birthday to your baby boy!

I have been reading your blog for a long time now, but I wanted to finally come out and leave a comment to remember your sweet baby boy Brenham. You and Robb will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Lisa

Kelly said...

Happy Birthday to your precious Brenham. I will keep you in my prayers as you cross this milestone. Your strength, openness, honesty, and faith is amazing and inspirational. God bless you and your family.

myrna folkert said...

Happy Birthday Dear Little Brenham Jay! You were so blessed to be a part of a wonderful earthly family of Katie and Robb, two of the most special people I know. You were blessed to come to this earth and not experience pain. I know your mommy and daddy have, and will continue to have many days of pain on this earth, but they will again have a wonderful happy day, when they reunite with you in heaven.

We all know you were a sweet angel from heaven who was sent for a very short time to a beautiful Christian couple who love you. We can only imagine what kind of Godly man you would have become on this earth, but also know that was not our Lord's plan for you. You were sent here for purposes we do not fully understand, and as the years go by, we may begin to see some of them. Most of the purposes will not be revealed to your parents or to others until they get to heaven. Then all things will be revealed. We will be amazed by all the people who were influenced by your short life on earth. It will be astounding how such a small dear little boy, with a short time on earth, will have touched thousands or more lives. You will have brought many more to Christ than many Christians who live long lives on earth.

You were a special blessing to Katie and Robb. I know they love you with all their hearts. I know it will always to a bittersweet day on your birthdays, for their entire lives. I know that your grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends here on earth all love you very much. I know they wish to have you here with them. But I also know that they wish the very best for you. I know they are happy that you are being held by Jesus and walking now, with toddler steps on streets of gold. You're being watched over by great grandparents and other family members who have gone to heaven before you. We all know this is true beyond doubt.

We as church friends and family, will try to encourage your mommy and daddy, as they travel this long journey without you. You never did anything wrong. You were always a beautiful creation of God, who drifted in and out of this earth to touch many lives. Hope you enjoy your birthday cake in heaven! Be sure to make a mess and have fun! The guardian angels will laugh and have fun cleaning it up!

God bless you as you have a beautiful day. We love you.

Devin said...

I know firsthand how difficult this is--I could relate to so many of the things on your list.

I'm praying for you today and tomorrow. *hugs*

God Made Playdough said...

Praying, praying, praying for you!!!

wife.mom.nurse said...

God bless you! I will encourage "my families" to express themselves as you have here.

Nichelle said...

I so have been praying for you as you struggle during this time...I know it was a day(s) full of so many diffent emotions...I hope you were able to spend some special time honoring Brenham.
I also thank you for your honesty when posting...So I am not crazy...I have often felt/gone through so many of the above list...be encouraged...HE listens and knows your heart..

Anonymous said...

God bless you and Robb during these difficult days and many more. I can't imagine the pain. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that God will bring you comfort.

Rebekah said...

You know you're a grieving friend when you read through this post twice and cry both times.

Kirsten: said...

Thinking of the 3 of you today and always. Happy Birthday sweet baby boy Brenham.

Mae said...

I have been thinking of your family today.

Kristin said...

your blog was a recommended blog on my bloglines and I started reading. I'm in class right now and in tears. you and your husband are so strong. God blessed your little boy with the best parents. Buy all the cakes and all the outfits you want, every year until the day you die if you want! You're allowed and do what you need to to help yourself heal. I hope that you and your husband are doing as well as you can. You've been added to my bloglines and I will be praying for you!

crazyfish421.wordpress.com

Jennifer said...

May God continue to give you the peace you and you hubby need. God bless you.

Michelle said...

boy can I relate!

Sarah said...

I just started reading your blog today. This post brought tears. My church studied Lamentations during the Lent season. Thank you for being so open and honest about the laments of your heart. May Christ's grace and peace surround you in your lamentations.