I think i know whats going on here

Monday, November 17, 2008

it took robb finding me sobbing in the shower at 12:15 last night for me to realize something is not right here. I came to the conclusion that i never had the chance to fully grieve the loss of brenham. 27 days after he died my kidneys failed and i had to focus on fighting for my own life instead of the loss of my son's.
The last 6 weeks I have been celebrating my transplant, rejoicing over my new life. But all along I have been pushing the grief away. And its been brewing and intensifying this whole time.
And it took all of last weeks bad news to make it all come to the surface again. Not a fun place to be. Back to square one. Lets hope I'm not here too long.
Thank you so much for your prayers and encouraging comments. They are helping.

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18 Responses to “ I think i know whats going on here ”

Jacki said...

Awww Katie,

We love you soooo much! I am so sorry you are so sad. I am so glad that have Robb. I am glad he was there for you! Hang in there!
Love lots - Jacki

Lauren said...


Delurking to say I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with all of these emotions at the same time. That must be incredibly difficult, but from reading your blog I know you are a strong woman. I'm continuing to pray for you in your recovery and grief. We're all here for you, pulling for you and praying!

May God grant you some peace in this difficult time!


tscarter7 said...

Grief takes time. Give yourself time. Praying for you!

Cate said...

I'm praying so hard for you right now. I emailed you after our loss and you prayed for me in my darkest time. I don't thinkyou know how much it meant to me and my DH. God will see you through this.

Anonymous said...

Katie, just a bible verse that gives me comfort. Lamentations 3:22-23, Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his mercies never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." God will give you what you need for each day. Praying for you in this difficult time.

Laurie said...

Praying for you during this time of grieving for your loss of sweet Brenham. Hoping you give yourself all the time you need to do this and honor this little treasure that you will hold in your heart forever. Lean on God and let Him gently bring you through. I will be praying for this time to be gentle and healing. You are such a blessing of faith and Gods goodness here on your blog. I have been blessed in reading.

Laurie in Ca.

aLLieBooBeRZ said...

*huge hug*

praying for you!

Krista said...

Thinking of you today as I know your heart is aching for Brenham. I always find a peace when I go to the cemetery and talk to the girls, pray over them, or just sit in silence. Maybe spending time with Brenham at his gravesite would help you today.

Always praying for you and all of those in this situation.


Anonymous said...

I so appreciate your honesty on your journey. You have no idea what an inspiration you are to others who are dealing with grief just because you're so honest and open. In my personal journey, I have found that over time I learned to deal with the grief differently. It never completely goes away, but it does become more manageable. I will pray for God's peace for you and that you will feel his presence closer to you in these days than ever before. You are held up in prayer by so many!
Michelle Lampen

CageQueen said...

I will pray for God to heal your heart. I think you're correct in that you weren't given ample oppurtunity to grieve. That stuff catches up to you!

Have you considered talking with someone? I'm not trying to hardcore push antidepressants or anything, I just think it couldn't hurt to speak to someone who is well-versed in grief coounseling. Maybe even a support group? I know your loyal readers here on The Net try to encourage you as much as we can, but there are some things only a professional can do. You've been really brave for a lonnnnng time!

Anonymous said...

Katie, it took a long time of crying (mostly in the car by myself or after everyone had fallen asleep), and lots of praying (lots and lots of praying), until I found peace. You will too, but it is a long road. Things do get better, I can promise you that. Just know that you are not alone and many, many people are thinking of you and praying for you too. Hang in there :)

2Erica2 said...

I pray for more peace for you!

Anonymous said...

Just wanting you to know that I am thinking about you and praying you find peace.

cara said...

Katie, I feel so bad for you. I will keep you in my prayers that you will find some peace and comfort.

jamisonw said...

Hey, I was just thinking about you two. I really happy the transplant is going well! We're still praying for you, and will continue to do so!

slotmanfarm said...

Hi Katie,
Just read your blog and will definately pray for God to give you the comfort and peace you need right now.
If you are still on Prednisone (steroids) post transplant, they also have a huge effect on emotions. I remember "crying binges" when I was on it. So if you are, don't be too hard on yourself as you have two things to deal with.

Melissa said...

God bless you, Katie, I will be praying that you are in God's hands and he helps you deal with the grief you're now coming to fully realize.

Anonymous said...

Grieving is good. Remembering Brenham and the joy you had for a short time is okay. It's easy to hold your true feelings inside- but don't. talk to those who really know how to handle greif This is very theraputic- there are grief counselors that are there for you if you need to- it's not a sign of weakness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
God is faithfull and his mercies are new every day.

you are strong. Rely on God- he loves you