We want to teach him about Jesus and how to tie his shoes. I want to help him with his homework and give him advice on girls. We want to see the man he would have become. But God didn't want that for us, why??

doesn't that look yummy? :)

Jill the transplant coordinator called today with my antibody percentage...finally.
It's 47% which basically means that 47% percent of the population would have antibodies against mine. Meaning they wouldn't be a match. So there ya have it, not good but could be worse.

This morning Robb highlighted a few things out of our devotional book and laid it out on the table for me to read when i woke up.
As always i was amazed by the way God always knows exactly what i need for that day.

"I weep with grief; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your law. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your law." ~Psalm 119:28-30

Lies i tell myself: I will never be able to be happy again. My life is over. God must not love me. He must be punishing me. I have failed.
Emotions lie to us and people mislead us but God's word speaks the truth which we are so desperate for.
Do I still listen to those lies? Yes, all the time (see post below)
But i believe in the truths and pray for my eyes to be opened to the truths found in the Word so they can wipe away my thoughts and feelings of doubt and discouragement.
I have had a hard time lately praying, and doing devotions, its just been so hard. But days like today make me realize how important it is to do that. Even in the midst of my hardships God knows how to comfort me. I just have to go and find it.

~Blessings~
Katie

I often look at the pictures we have up in our house of the two of us on our wedding day, on a vacation, or celebrating a birthday and have a strong urge to rip them off the walls stuff them in a drawer and never look at them again. Or better yet, shatter the picture frame glass and burn the happy photo to ashes.

The people in those pictures aren't us anymore, we aren't that happy or care-free like we once were.

The daily reminders of that is sometimes just to much. They are reminders of the way life used to be.

Happiness is something i dont have and it hurts to see happy people. People smiling, laughing, enjoying life. How can they be having so much fun while my heart is broken and i am having to deal with so much pain and sadness. Don't they know that i am dying inside?

My life, my mind, heart, soul and body is full of scars. Emotional and physical. Life will never be the same. And the scars remind me of that daily.

I want to be the same 'ole happy Katie who loved life, lived life without a care in the world and loved to have fun. But thats just not me anymore. And i just don't see how it ever will be again.

I feel like I have all this extra baggage that i and everyone around me has to deal with, thankfully i already have a great husband and i have lots of great friends b/c i don't think i have anything good to offer anyone else anymore. Just a life of sadness and hurt.

Because of this i am not a good wife, sister, daughter, or friend anymore.

I liked to be the one to comfort, and support my friends and family and now i am the one that needs all the comfort. What kind of a friend is that?

I am not the same as i once was.

Happy Fathers Day!!!
A day that is such a happy time for so many men in the world was a little bitter sweet for me. I can't believe how things can change so quickly. I expected today would be a day that I would be taking care of my very pregnant wife. I still expected to be talking to my little boy or girl inside Katie's belly. I never expected to be talking to my boy in heaven. Never the less even though Brenham is in heaven, he is still my son, and that still makes me a father. I never realized how it would feel to become a father. And to some extent still feel that I have not. I will always love Brenham and never forget him, I just wish that I could have spent more time with him on this earth.
Katie gave me this and a nice card from Brenham that says:
"I wish I was with you on your first Fathers Day. I would give you a big hug and kiss. You are a great daddy and I love you so much. Don't be sad I have a lot of people to teach me to throw a ball and ride bike. I miss you so much Dad. Can't wait for you to hold me again! I want to be just like you!
Love Brenham.
Brenham has been gone for 3 1/2 months now but it seems like just yesterday. I have had a hard time grasping what has happened to me and Katie over these past months. I always try to look on the bright side and I think that because of this, I sugar coat everything. I don't know that this is the best thing to do because I think that it has prevented me from mourning the loss of Brenham. I have learned that nothing in life is fair.
Good things don't always happen to good people. Sin is still very present in the world and the devil is still very much at work. I have a lot of questions. Why did Brenham have to die? Was it something that I did wrong? Why does Katie have Kidney problems? Why does life at this time seem so unfair? I know all the earthly excuses and justifications like... things could be worse, at least we still have each other, and someone always has things worse than us. But none of these seem to make things any better.
I also know the religious answers to these questions like... God has a plan for our lives, and everything happens for a reason. Right now I have a hard time believing that these events could have happened for a reason. I don't know that I necessarily need a reason. I think that I just have to allow myself to digest what has happened. I know that God will give me answers when he is ready.

I hope and pray that God will allow me to be a father to more children in the future.

Keep praying!!
Robb

Tonight's Big Give was a huge success.
I can not thank all of you enough for your support. It was so nice to see so many of you. There are no words to describe how i am feeling right now. I feel so undeserving. Really i do. I wish there was something i could do for all of you in return. And i hope someday we will be in the position to do that.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!! We are so blessed to live in such a caring, generous community!

Chatting with Dan Krauth from Fox 17 News

A very special thanks to the following downtown vendors:

It's 3:00 am and i haven't yet been able to sleep.
My mind is racing just like it always does at night.
My thoughts keep turning to "why?"
If anybody is reading this at this time of the night..er, morning, please send some prayers.

Click here to read the article in the Holland Sentinel about Holland's Big Give!
Pretty cool!
I hope to see lots of you downtown Thursday night!

First of all i want to to thank everyone for all of your support and encouragement you have left me, i love to read all of your comments!


And for all of you who have asked "what can i do to help?" ....

I have a way you can help.


My boss and co-workers at Home and Company along with other participating stores Downtown Holland have arranged a charity event in my honor.

"Holland's Big Give" will take place this Thursday, June 12 the night of the Street Performers season kick-off. Over 30 stores are participating by donating 10% of their sales from 6 pm-closing time to the Katie Lubbers' Medical Fund!!

So come out and enjoy the fun festivities and be sure to shop the great downtown stores!

Signs indicating “Holland’s Big Give” will be in the windows of participating stores.
Thanks in advance for your generosity!!

I still haven't come up with a good way to break the news to you all yet, so I guess i am just gonna say it..

My appointment on wednesday started out with some blood draws, 11 to be exact, and an EKG or electrocardiogram, which measures the rhythm of the heart and checks for abnormalities.

Then we met with one of the surgeons and he explained the actual surgery and what that entails.

After that we sat down in an office with Jill, our transplant coordinator, and she broke us the news. And broke my heart into a million pieces. Every thing after that is a blur.

The team of doctors decided that i can not have transplant until at least a years after my body went crazy, so at the earliest that would be the end of february. And that would be assuming that i can have a live donor. They want to make sure my body has enough time to deal with the changes before putting a new kidney in and making it go even more crazy. A good idea i guess, if i get a transplant i want it to last a long time, but none the less...not what i wanted to hear.

I still don't know about the antibody percentage so things have the potential of going even worse.

And worst of all, they changed their minds about us having our own children...they don't want us to anymore. At first they told us as long as everything is going well a year post transplant we would get the go ahead. For some reason they changed their minds. I am still waiting for a good reason as to why.

As I am sure most of you know by now, having children is my biggest dream in life and that dream is now shattered. We are devastated. After Brenham died the one thing that got me through was the hope of having more children one day and now i dont even have that. I feel like i am losing him all over again.

I sat in that room and cried and cried.

and i still cry and cry and cry.

deeper and deeper and deeper into the pit. And I cant take it anymore.

Today's appointment went horrible.
I am at a loss for words and can't bring myself to tell you all about it. I feel like i would be breaking all of your hearts the same way mine was broken today. I know how much you guys have been thinking and praying for me and i really appreciate all of you, thank you! All of your calls, emails and comments left have really touched my heart. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, we need them now more than ever.

is the big day, robb and i will be at st. mary's hospital all day. My appointment is at 8:30 a.m. and we will be meeting with the surgeons and I also be having lots of testing done. Hopefully we will also be sitting down with the doctors and figuring out a plan of action as far as a time line for the transplant. My nerves are at an all time high, so please pray for peace and wisdom for the doctors to point us in the right direction. I will update you all tomorrow night sometime. Thank you for your prayers.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for a child. I am longing and waiting. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at my miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better daughter, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I have learned the power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Last night i was laying in bed thinking of all that could go wrong at my appointment on wed. and i told robb how anxious i was. I dont know what the doctors found out but i pray that God gave them the wisdom that they need to make the best decision.
As we were talking robb reminded me that no matter what, everything will be okay, we have God on our side.

And then this morning i woke up to this...

A rainbow, God used a rainbow over 2000 years ago to promise His people that He would never flood the earth again. And today He used that same sign to remind me of the promise He made me...He will take care of me. How awesome is our God?

No matter what the results, I am trying to remember that this is all in God's perfect plan.

Please pray for favorable results. And for peace as we go through the next few day.