Monday, June 16, 2008

Scars

I often look at the pictures we have up in our house of the two of us on our wedding day, on a vacation, or celebrating a birthday and have a strong urge to rip them off the walls stuff them in a drawer and never look at them again. Or better yet, shatter the picture frame glass and burn the happy photo to ashes.

The people in those pictures aren't us anymore, we aren't that happy or care-free like we once were.

The daily reminders of that is sometimes just to much. They are reminders of the way life used to be.

Happiness is something i dont have and it hurts to see happy people. People smiling, laughing, enjoying life. How can they be having so much fun while my heart is broken and i am having to deal with so much pain and sadness. Don't they know that i am dying inside?

My life, my mind, heart, soul and body is full of scars. Emotional and physical. Life will never be the same. And the scars remind me of that daily.

I want to be the same 'ole happy Katie who loved life, lived life without a care in the world and loved to have fun. But thats just not me anymore. And i just don't see how it ever will be again.

I feel like I have all this extra baggage that i and everyone around me has to deal with, thankfully i already have a great husband and i have lots of great friends b/c i don't think i have anything good to offer anyone else anymore. Just a life of sadness and hurt.

Because of this i am not a good wife, sister, daughter, or friend anymore.

I liked to be the one to comfort, and support my friends and family and now i am the one that needs all the comfort. What kind of a friend is that?

I am not the same as i once was.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Prior to this experience, you were a giver. Because of this, people are more than happy to give back to you in your time of need. There will be a day when you can use your experiences to give back again. Until then, know that the people who love you don't feel burdened by you. They WANT to help!

sumi said...

I wanted to post to encourage you but noticed that the commenter before me said exactly what I wanted to say. She just said it so much better!

2Cor 1:4 He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can (later on) share that same comfort with others in trouble.

I also wanted to say it's OK to grieve and to feel like nothing is normal anymore. It's OK to have days that are just plain crappy. I had one today. But we're walking through this valley, step by step and one day we will look back and see how far we've come. We won't be in this place forever.

Hugs and prayers,
Sumi

Anonymous said...

Dear Katie,
I too have lost a child- it's been 1 year and 6 months (he was 8).

I know the anquish of looking at people smiling and happy (whether they are driving their cars, at the grocery store, library, wherever-) and feel so sad to not have that peace, grounding and happiness as you used to. It's like your world has stopped dead in it's tracks, but theirs has continued. They still go to picnics, parties, and movies. Christmas & holidays are normal and happy. How can they smile- when your heart is bleeding with pain and anquish? You feel like screaming inside and the only that comes out are a flood of tears.

It's such a tough place to be- and if I could, I'd give you a giant hug and tell you that...you WILL get through this, but it takes time, Honey. You'll probably always have big tears in your eyes when someone mentions your son, and you'll go right back to touching that pain again in an instant.. but eventually, you'll get stronger and life will slowly become better.

There is nothing anyone can say or do for you right now to ease your feelings, except to stand by you and tell you that you are loved and that prayers are being sent.

God and Time are your two doctors now and they are both experts in the field of healing. Both of them will take good care of you.

Keep writing your feelings and thoughts in your blog- we will keep holding your hand until you are strong enough on your own. Let those that love you care for you- you'll be repaying them soon enough. THIS IS TEMPORARY!

I admire your courage, and I know your pain as as almost anyone can. Hang in there, be patient and know that we care deeply for you Katie- you WILL be whole again.

Anonymous said...

you don't know me, but what I have read about you is absolutely beautiful. You have made me a better person, mother, wife and Christian by reading your words. I know there is nothing that can be said to make sadness go away. I pray for you and your husband,and I hope that you may feel His hands around you at all times.
In His grip, and in my prayers...

Anonymous said...

Katie,
I know that it is very hard to be on the receiving end instead of being the one helping others.
When I was in that place a few years ago, I was told by a friend that I was blessing her by receiving the help she was giving me. She remembered for me that Jesus said "It is more blessed to give than to receive" and by letting other people do for me I was helping them be blessed. That didn't really make it any easier but it did help me to know that Christ will repay what others did for me.
He will also bless those that you "allow" to help you now too.
Remember you have many people praying for you and Robb.

carla said...

I so understand the realization of never being the same and we long for that life to be back to "Normal" but then we realize life will never be the normal we remember there will be a new normal and that can be scary but maybe through the fear we can see the hope of something new.

Anonymous said...

Katie,
You are the best friend anyone could ask for! You have been through alot these past months and you still are the same best friend to me that you always have been!
i love you!!
Emily

Jessica Klein said...

Katie you are a beautiful woman inside and out, even if you don't feel that way right now. Every time I see your blog, your strength, courage, and determination amaze me. You may not see it, but through this website you touch many people's lives on a daily basis. We all understand crappy days and you are certainly entitled to feel down in the dumps sometimes. There are lots of people who want to support you in your time of need. Please feel free to get in touch if you ever need ANYTHING- we're here for you!
Jessica

Gail said...

Dearest Katie,
My heart breaks for you, I feel your pain. I know your heartbreak. After my son Chad died when he was 16 yrs. old I felt the same way. I would see people in the store I knew and would go the other way. You try and put on a happy face and all your feeling inside is emptyness. But you know what? These are normal feelings, and you are the same Katie as always, it's just going to take time. After Chad died and we were sitting in our living room my dad was very quiet, and all of a sudden he said, you know Paul&Gail in the Bible it says in Psalm 30:5."Weeping may come in the night, but JOY cometh in the morning" and that was such a comfort to us. I want to tell you a little story, it was Chad's birthday May 30. He would have been 30 yrs. old. I was having a hard time that a.m.I was doing my elementary bus route and I have a new student on my route. A 3rd grader,she is so sweet. That a.m. when I stopped to pick her up, she had in her hands 2 red roses. She got on the bus and handed them to me, and didn't say anything. I said thank-you Jessie with tears running down my cheeks, she said I wanted to pick just 1 for you, but my mom said just pick her two. I really felt God moving in a mysterious way that a.m. So Katie all your feelings are normal, you are doing the right thing by just venting whenever you feel like it. If ever you want to talk or anything please feel free to call. You have a wonderful family who is there for you too. All I can say is that our prayers are with you. I love the Willow Tree that you gave to Robb. I have several of them too, and they are so special. You are in God's Grip!!
Gail Kapenga

Anonymous said...

You are being too hard on yourself. Do you remember how good it felt to offer comfort and help to others? Imagine how good you must be making your friends and family feel when they can offer you some support. In life we're never one thing for all time. Right now you are receiving the love and support of those around you, and touching their lives by allowing them to offer that support. In times to come, you will again be in a position to offer your support to others. I know that feeling of being so overwhelmed and lost that you literally can't imagine how you're going to make it. But you know what? You will. And you'll be a stronger, better wife, sister, daughter and person for having survived this unbelievable heartbreak. You are, as always, in my prayers.

mary said...

Kate, When I first heard about your kidney problem, I started praying that you would still be able to have children. I know how important that would be to you. It would have been to me. That was all I wanted out of life. Don't give up, Kate. Trust Jesus. The Dr. changed his mind once, he may change it again. There may be a child you are supposed to adopt because God wants that child to have a special home. My sister is 54 and was never blessed with children. She was a school teacher and wanted her own children so badly, but that was not God's plan. Her husband had a son by his previous marriage and now Cindy has 4 beautiful grandchildren. She would still prefer to have had children of her own, but that was not God's plan. Just keep loving and letting others love you and wait to see what God has in mind for you.

Tami @ September's Bride said...

Katie,

Five years ago, I went through an illness that left me fighting anxiety and depression. I often said that my body had betrayed me. I didn't know myself anymore and I didn't like who I was and what my life had become.

I still struggle with those issues, but God has been faithful, and I have grown and become a stronger person because of that difficult time.

It is okay to grieve and be angry now; you will walk through this difficult time. Yes, you will be a changed person, and not the "old" Katie, but a better, more mature, Katie who will be who God wants her to be.

Anonymous said...

Katie,

You may be supporting people and not even know it. I find support in reading your blog. I am the fellow July sparkler who's son Wyatt was stillborn last month. Reading you blog has given me so much guidance and support in knowing how someone else is enduring this terrible tragedy. Thank you for your willingness to share your story with the world.

Sarah
Beachbride72106
I also find comfort in the pregnancy loss board at the nest if you can stand to go to the nest. It is nice to know you are not alone.

Christylea said...

Katie,
I enjoy reading your blog. I cannot imagine the pain you must experience. I admire your faith and your strength and I hope that things will continue to become easier each day. Peace & Love to you... Christy