Happy Fathers Day!!!
A day that is such a happy time for so many men in the world was a little bitter sweet for me. I can't believe how things can change so quickly. I expected today would be a day that I would be taking care of my very pregnant wife. I still expected to be talking to my little boy or girl inside Katie's belly. I never expected to be talking to my boy in heaven. Never the less even though Brenham is in heaven, he is still my son, and that still makes me a father. I never realized how it would feel to become a father. And to some extent still feel that I have not. I will always love Brenham and never forget him, I just wish that I could have spent more time with him on this earth.
Katie gave me this and a nice card from Brenham that says:
"I wish I was with you on your first Fathers Day. I would give you a big hug and kiss. You are a great daddy and I love you so much. Don't be sad I have a lot of people to teach me to throw a ball and ride bike. I miss you so much Dad. Can't wait for you to hold me again! I want to be just like you!
Brenham has been gone for 3 1/2 months now but it seems like just yesterday. I have had a hard time grasping what has happened to me and Katie over these past months. I always try to look on the bright side and I think that because of this, I sugar coat everything. I don't know that this is the best thing to do because I think that it has prevented me from mourning the loss of Brenham. I have learned that nothing in life is fair.
Good things don't always happen to good people. Sin is still very present in the world and the devil is still very much at work. I have a lot of questions. Why did Brenham have to die? Was it something that I did wrong? Why does Katie have Kidney problems? Why does life at this time seem so unfair? I know all the earthly excuses and justifications like... things could be worse, at least we still have each other, and someone always has things worse than us. But none of these seem to make things any better.
I also know the religious answers to these questions like... God has a plan for our lives, and everything happens for a reason. Right now I have a hard time believing that these events could have happened for a reason. I don't know that I necessarily need a reason. I think that I just have to allow myself to digest what has happened. I know that God will give me answers when he is ready.
I hope and pray that God will allow me to be a father to more children in the future.