Sunday, June 15, 2008

My (Robb) First Father's Day

Happy Fathers Day!!!
A day that is such a happy time for so many men in the world was a little bitter sweet for me. I can't believe how things can change so quickly. I expected today would be a day that I would be taking care of my very pregnant wife. I still expected to be talking to my little boy or girl inside Katie's belly. I never expected to be talking to my boy in heaven. Never the less even though Brenham is in heaven, he is still my son, and that still makes me a father. I never realized how it would feel to become a father. And to some extent still feel that I have not. I will always love Brenham and never forget him, I just wish that I could have spent more time with him on this earth.
Katie gave me this and a nice card from Brenham that says:
"I wish I was with you on your first Fathers Day. I would give you a big hug and kiss. You are a great daddy and I love you so much. Don't be sad I have a lot of people to teach me to throw a ball and ride bike. I miss you so much Dad. Can't wait for you to hold me again! I want to be just like you!
Love Brenham.
Brenham has been gone for 3 1/2 months now but it seems like just yesterday. I have had a hard time grasping what has happened to me and Katie over these past months. I always try to look on the bright side and I think that because of this, I sugar coat everything. I don't know that this is the best thing to do because I think that it has prevented me from mourning the loss of Brenham. I have learned that nothing in life is fair.
Good things don't always happen to good people. Sin is still very present in the world and the devil is still very much at work. I have a lot of questions. Why did Brenham have to die? Was it something that I did wrong? Why does Katie have Kidney problems? Why does life at this time seem so unfair? I know all the earthly excuses and justifications like... things could be worse, at least we still have each other, and someone always has things worse than us. But none of these seem to make things any better.
I also know the religious answers to these questions like... God has a plan for our lives, and everything happens for a reason. Right now I have a hard time believing that these events could have happened for a reason. I don't know that I necessarily need a reason. I think that I just have to allow myself to digest what has happened. I know that God will give me answers when he is ready.

I hope and pray that God will allow me to be a father to more children in the future.

Keep praying!!
Robb

7 comments:

The VanderZwaag's said...

Robb & Katie:

I will email you back Katie but I just wanted to wish Robb a happy father's day as well. Robb, thanks for sharing. The card brought tears to my eyes. I continue to keep you both in my prayers and I too often ask why. You will never know but one thing I do know is that you will see Brenham in Heaven again. What a great day that will be!!! Stay strong in your faith and keep your eyes on the Lord. He will carry you both through!
Happy Father's Day...Brenham would be so proud!

Anonymous said...

Happy Father's Day!
-Lydia

Anonymous said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes.

I am sending thoughts and prayers to both you and Katie.

***hugs for both of you***

Happy Father's Day. I am so sorry it was not the day you had always imagined it would be.

--Rachel (found your blog through the nest).

Anonymous said...

Happy Father's Day, Robb. It's ok to ask why, although you'll probably never get the answer you're looking for. I hope you will eventually find peace with that. In the meantime, take time to mourn, you're certainly entitled. Although there may be people in the world who are going through worse, that doesn't mean that what you guys went through and are going through isn't bad or doesn't deserve mourning and sadness.

You, Katie and Brenham are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Happy Fathers Day Robb. I honestly believe that your son saved his Mommy's life. Take time for yourself to grieve, I'm sure you'll feel better for it.

Keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Robb, Thanks for sharing. Brought tears to my eyes. Brenham would be so proud to have a Dad and Mom like you both. You and Katie are in our prayers. Stay strong!

Anonymous said...

I was thinking of you and Katie yesterday...I am so impressed with your maturity and spirituality...I am so happy that Katie has you in her life and that you have each other...it was nice to hear from you...miss you both! give Katie a hug from me!
Nicole