Thursday, June 5, 2008

Alright, Here ya go...

I still haven't come up with a good way to break the news to you all yet, so I guess i am just gonna say it..

My appointment on wednesday started out with some blood draws, 11 to be exact, and an EKG or electrocardiogram, which measures the rhythm of the heart and checks for abnormalities.

Then we met with one of the surgeons and he explained the actual surgery and what that entails.

After that we sat down in an office with Jill, our transplant coordinator, and she broke us the news. And broke my heart into a million pieces. Every thing after that is a blur.

The team of doctors decided that i can not have transplant until at least a years after my body went crazy, so at the earliest that would be the end of february. And that would be assuming that i can have a live donor. They want to make sure my body has enough time to deal with the changes before putting a new kidney in and making it go even more crazy. A good idea i guess, if i get a transplant i want it to last a long time, but none the less...not what i wanted to hear.

I still don't know about the antibody percentage so things have the potential of going even worse.

And worst of all, they changed their minds about us having our own children...they don't want us to anymore. At first they told us as long as everything is going well a year post transplant we would get the go ahead. For some reason they changed their minds. I am still waiting for a good reason as to why.

As I am sure most of you know by now, having children is my biggest dream in life and that dream is now shattered. We are devastated. After Brenham died the one thing that got me through was the hope of having more children one day and now i dont even have that. I feel like i am losing him all over again.

I sat in that room and cried and cried.

and i still cry and cry and cry.


31 comments:

LJFredricks said...

I am so sorry. Please tell us what it takes to be a donor. I am still praying for you!

mtusoccermom said...

Oh Katie,
I am still praying for you. I've been watching and waiting to hear from you. Our God is a God of miracles, and please keep hope. It's so so hard for you to wait and worry. I'm so glad you finally could tell us people who look at your blog and pray for you. I'm sure you're in no mood for people to give you sermons. Just know you guys are loved and prayed for by hundreds. Jer. 29:11--I know the plans I have for you, to give you a hope and a future...
Love and hugs to you, Myrna

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog since someone on the Nest posted it, but haven't commented up until now. I am so sorry for all that you have been through, and I pray for you every Sunday when I'm in church. It must be so hard to focus on getting yourself healthy first when you want a child so badly. God may surprise you and it may be possible for you to have your own children. But if you can't, maybe you'll be able to open your home and your hearts to a child who needs two wonderful, loving parents. I have total faith that you will both be blessed with children in the future, and they will be spiritually and emotionally yours, if not biologically. You have so many people praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Katie...I am so, so, so, so sorry.

Have you thought about the possibility of using a surrogate? I know it must be crushing to know you can't carry a baby, but maybe you can still have your own biological children.

I'm praying for you every single day. Your strength is utterly amazing and inspiring. I hope things turn around soon. <3

Anonymous said...

One way or another Katie, you are meant to be a Mom again. You have so many people praying for you and Robb. I wish you continued strength and pray for peace of mind for you.

Miranda said...

Katie,

I found your blog through the nest and I wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts all the time.

allisonilene said...

Katie you are in my prayers
God Bless you and Robb!

Anonymous said...

Robb & Katie -
We're so sorry for all you're going thru. How we wish we could take away your pain. When I was thinking about what to say to you I went back to Trav's carepage and found an entry from Oct of 2005. He had written the update himself and had quoted Isaiah 43:1-7. Part of the passage says "When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. . . . . . For I am the Lord, your God. . . . you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you." Be assured of God's love for you thru all of this.
Keith & Sally

Anonymous said...

Our Father knows what's best for us,
So why should we complain ...
We always want the sunshine,
But He knows there must be rain.
We love the sound of laughter
And the merriment of cheer;
But our hearts would lose their tenderness
If we never shed a tear.
Our Father tests us often
With suffering and with sorrow;
He tests us, not to punish us,
But to help us meet "tomorrow."
For growing trees are strengthened
When they withstand the storm;
And the sharp cut of the chisel
Gives the marble grace and form.
God never hurts us needlessly,
And He never wastes our pain;
For every loss He sends to us
Is followed by rich gain.
And when we count the blessings
That God has so freely sent;
We will find no cause for murmuring
And no time to lament.
For Our Father loves His children,
And to Him all things are plain;
So He never sends us "pleasure"
When the "soul's deep need is pain."
So whenever we are troubled,
And when everything goes wrong,
It is just God working in us
To make "our spirits strong."
~ Helen Steiner Rice ~

Hang in there, Katie. You are surrounded by so many people that are pulling for you. Big E-hugs.

sumi said...

I am so sorry, Katie. :-)

((((HUGS))))

Anonymous said...

katie i'm praying for you and robb and this news you've gotten. you'll are and will be a great mother. doctors give odds that don't compare to the odds when God is on your side! with Him, anything is possible. love ya, lp

Cate said...

I can't even begin to understand how sad/mad/hurt/frustrated you and your hubs are. My husband and I pray for you daily and hope this journey will end in a positive light for you eventually.

I'm not going to preach to you about God's devine plan, you already know how powerful He is. May He bless you and keep you in the upcoming weeks.

If you want to scream and cuss really loud into a pillow, I won't tell anyone.

Anonymous said...

Katie-
I am confident that you and Robb will be parents one day. Regardless of how you become parents, your kiddos will be so blessed to have you guys as their mommy and daddy. We will not stop praying!
-Lydia
PS: I also would not blame you for screaming and cussing...into a pillow, out loud, whatever.

Rachel Marie said...

Katie-
Words can not express the sorrow I feel for you. I can't pretend to know how you feel. I'll continue to pray for "the peace of God which PASSES understanding to guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ." You have the heart of a mother and I hope and pray that although it may not be the way you would plan, you WILL be a mother again one day. You are young and God's promises to give you a future and a hope remain true even though you are passing through a dark valley right now.

Anonymous said...

I also wanted to say how sorry I am. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to hear all that bad news. But I do believe (even though I don't know you) that no matter HOW it happens, you and Robb (are and) will be amazing parents. I will be praying for you, Robb, your kidney, your potential donor, and that God gives you the strength to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is one, I promise.

KittenGator (Catherine) said...

Hey, I just saw a posting on the Nest to come here.

I'm really sorry about your news. I said a prayer for you once I read it and will continue to pray for you and your husband.

orangestar17 said...

Katie, you are going to be a mommy again one day, holding a beautiful bouncing baby in your arms. Don't ever let yourself think otherwise.

And never assume that what the doctor says today is going to stay the same answer forever. Medicine and science are constantly moving forward and evolving and you may very well be carrying a baby in your own womb very soon! :-)

Anonymous said...

I just started reading your blog today from a post on the nest. First of all, let me say what strength you have and faith in our God. I am so sorry to hear your devastating news and cannot begin to comprehend the pain that must be causing. You will be in my prayers!!

Megan said...

Katie,

You are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story.

You will be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Katie and Robb

I read your blog every day,you both are in my prayers and thoughts daily. Big hug for a good week ahead.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sad to hear this and hear how much you're hurting. Although I'm confident that you will be a mom someday, either through adoption or surrogacy, I can only imagine how devastated you must be to hear that you shouldn't get pregnant. You are in my prayers. Please be gentle and kind to yourself.

Justine said...

I'm so sorry Katie!! This is incredibly upsetting.....right now I am praying that you get through today and tomorrow I will pray for tomorrow. Hugs!

Em said...

Katie, I am so sorry. I don't know what to say, and something in me wants to grab you and pull you close and never let you go. I want to give you a giant hug and tell you it will be okay. I blogged about you today. I have been in this pit of despair, not on this level, but when I lost my mother 20 years ago. It's awful and no good. But, God is graceful. An old pastor of mine once said this. I have it posted on my fridge as a constant reminder. I think you need to hear it today too. He is a faithful God and he is taking care of you. Even in this terrible despair. Hang in there...I am thinking about you.

"The Will of God will not take you, where the Grace of God cannot keep you." Robert Bedingfield

-Emily (GRBaby and The Nest)

Kellie said...

I am crying with you today!!

Anonymous said...

I have heard a little about a fundraiser that downtown is doing for you. What does that all involve? How can we help?

Crystal said...

Katie... I am so so sorry. I am sure that news broke your heart. I am hoping they change their minds. You are in my thoughts continuously.

Tracy Anne said...

Hi Katie! Don't know exactly how I found you but I want you to know that I am praying for you! I am praying for your health, physical, emotional and spiritual!

All my life I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother and I am now 47 and am neither a wife or a mom. It took some time but the Lord has given me a tremendously wonderful peace. I am confident that I will be a wife one day and though I don't get to be a mommy, I think I'll get to be a grandma.

Praying hard for you!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story, you and your husband are truly an inspiration to many. Please keep the faith...our God is an AWESOME God!

I may not know you personally but will keep you in our prayers.

Amy said...

Oh honey!!! I am so, so, so sorry. Please push further and find out why...that is such a big dream for them to crush without a good explaination. I will be praying for you and your husband.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry Katie!! I have faith that god will take care of you! I have been keeping up with your blog. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this! God Bless!

Emmaly said...

I know you do not know me but I am right there with you about it being your life long dream to have children. I was blessed to able to have a little girl but it was touch and go because I had a blood clot. They advised me not to have anymore kids becuase it could cause me to lose my life. It took me awhile to except the fact that I could not have anymore children because all my life that is what I thought God wanted me to do was have a house full of children running around. If you would like you can email me at eembam@yahoo.com