Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. Today at 10:45 I have an appointment with my OB doctor. I am not sure what we are going to talk about but I know I will have a hard time there. Just seeing all the happy pregnant girls and all the pictures of babies hung up on the walls is going to be hard. I used to love going there, to hear our baby's heartbeat and to learn about his growth inside me. Now, I am dreading it. I just know that after this appointment it's going to be a long time until I get to go there again. And that makes me sad. All I have ever wanted was to meet a great guy, get married and have lots of babies. So I am 2 for 3 and I know I should be grateful for that but I have longed to be a mommy for as long as I can remember. And knowing that dream will be delayed if not shattered, breaks my heart. It makes me think that maybe God doesn't think I would be a good mommy. I know there are better ones out there ( I see them all around me ) but I would do my absolute best and love them with all my heart.
I also got a call from the baby furniture store. Our crib and dresser combo is in. The lady on the other end was probably wondering why I wasn't more excited. So we have to pick that up sometime this week. And then what am I going to do with it? I can't sell it, too much sentimental value to put a price tag on it. It will just sit there in the nursery along with everything else, as a reminder of what could have been. And hopefully will be someday. Another obstacle to overcome.
Please pray for my appointment today, I hope we hear positive things. I will post back later tonight maybe on the news.
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