A different kind of "baby blues"

Monday, April 21, 2008

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. Today at 10:45 I have an appointment with my OB doctor. I am not sure what we are going to talk about but I know I will have a hard time there. Just seeing all the happy pregnant girls and all the pictures of babies hung up on the walls is going to be hard. I used to love going there, to hear our baby's heartbeat and to learn about his growth inside me. Now, I am dreading it. I just know that after this appointment it's going to be a long time until I get to go there again. And that makes me sad. All I have ever wanted was to meet a great guy, get married and have lots of babies. So I am 2 for 3 and I know I should be grateful for that but I have longed to be a mommy for as long as I can remember. And knowing that dream will be delayed if not shattered, breaks my heart. It makes me think that maybe God doesn't think I would be a good mommy. I know there are better ones out there ( I see them all around me ) but I would do my absolute best and love them with all my heart.
I also got a call from the baby furniture store. Our crib and dresser combo is in. The lady on the other end was probably wondering why I wasn't more excited. So we have to pick that up sometime this week. And then what am I going to do with it? I can't sell it, too much sentimental value to put a price tag on it. It will just sit there in the nursery along with everything else, as a reminder of what could have been. And hopefully will be someday. Another obstacle to overcome.
Please pray for my appointment today, I hope we hear positive things. I will post back later tonight maybe on the news.
Katie

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16 Comments »

16 Responses to “A different kind of "baby blues"”

CarrieLiz said...

I'm sure that God knows you'll be a great mommy!! Best of luck today - I'll be thinking about you!

Summer & Matt said...

Katie, I'm praying for you and your appointment today! God will give you strength and lift you up!

Justine said...

Just checked the clock now and it's exactly 10:45. Lord Jesus, please be with Katie and Rob right this moment and fill them with your peace and faithful promises! We love You Father! Give the doctors wisdom and help them to give Katie hope! In Jesus name, Amen!!

Anonymous said...

Katie-
You were a great mommy to Brenham for 5 months while he grew inside of you. I truely believe that God will bless you and Robb with more children to love when the time is right...you will be awesome parents! I know that you feel like you cannot take any more "bad" news, so I am praying for a good report today.
-Lydia

Anonymous said...

Hope your appointment went well. I won't pretend that it isn't hard to go to the OB with all those pregnant women around. After my m/c I had a follow-up appointment and when the nurse finally took me back to the exam room I bawled like a baby. I'm sure it will be even harder for you. You are not alone, and I'm praying for you.

And Katie, you're going to be an amazing mother. You have so much love to give, and so much faith to share with your children.

Anonymous said...

oh Katie-
How my heart aches for you and Robb! you two are fantastic people with pure hearts and a great love for the holy father- a good book to read is "when bad things happen to good people" None of this makes any sence to any of us, but for some reason he has chosen you to walk this path, you are doing an amazing job~ you have a wonderful husband and an awsome family (church family included) any one of us would do what ever it takes to help you come through this- you are so strong and YOU WILL MAKE A GREAT MOM! remember the foot prints in the sand poem? only one set of prints right now... with love!

Julybride'07 said...

God knows that you'll a great mommy!!! I'll be praying that everything goes well at your appointment today!! God Bless!!

Anonymous said...

I don't even know you, but I just want to reach out and give you the biggest hug. I check your blog almost daily (saw it on the nest) and think of you guys daily, too. I hope that your news from the OB is as good as can be in this situation, Katie. My heart is with you guys :)
-Jess

Amber06 said...

Katie please know that God does not think you are going to be a bad mother. The love you have for your son is so much greater of a love then some women have for all of their children combined. Just think of it as Brenham (I hope I spelled that right) was too prectious for this world and God needed him in heaven.

Crystal said...

I hope your appointment went well. I don't know you, but I do know that you will be a wonderful mommy... and I am sure you will get that chance soon.

Rachel said...

Katie,

I found your blog through the nest. I've been reading it for the past month or so. I check it every day.

I've wanted to email you or leave a comment. But I wasn't ever sure what to say. But, I know what to say today. I am sure God KNOWS you will make a WONDERFUL mother. Brenham is such a sweet, precious, amazing little boy. And even though he's in Heaven...you are still his mommy. And I am 100% sure God hand picked out the BEST mother he could for such an incredible baby. He wasn't going to entrust such a miracle to just anyone.

Please, don't ever doubt how great of a mother you ARE and WILL continue to be, to both Brenham and to your future babies.

I've never met you. And I know your capacity to love and be a mother is beautiful. I am thinking of you and hoping for the absolute best.

Rachel

Ashley said...

Katie - thanks so much for your sweet comment. I remember so many of the same feelings that you are expressing. Know that you are in my prayers and I trust that God is carrying you even when (especially when??) you don't feel it.

Anonymous said...

Katie,
I came across your blog today and haed read about your story, your husband and your son.
I will pray for you all.
Maybe our little girl is there with your son, smiling down on us all.
E

Anonymous said...

Katie,
I came across your blog today and haed read about your story, your husband and your son.
I will pray for you all.
Maybe our little girl is there with your son, smiling down on us all.
E

WinsyWade said...

Katie,
I say a prayer for you and baby Brenham every night. Please don't lose hope- you will have another child someday. For now, you are a mommy to an angel. You are a great mommy and you will be to any future children.
Good luck at your appointment today. I hope it brings good news.
(((big hugs)))
Lindsay

Nicole B. said...

I love you Katie! I just wanted you to know that I have many people in my circle of friends that are praying for you! You are an amazing woman, and I hope you were renewed with peace today!
Love,
Nicole B.