Roller coaster of emotions: that phrase has new meaning to me now. Last night I cried myself to sleep, I can't remember ever doing that ( i am sure my mom remembers me doing that though). I cried because my baby died, I cried because i have kidney disease, i cried because i really try to be a good person but i cant figure out why this has happened to me, i cried because i wont be able to have children of my own until this is all done with, i cried because i hate dialysis, i cried because i have this ugly tube coming out of my chest, good-bye public beaches, i cried because no one should have to go through any of these things, but i have to go through all of it, i cried just from the thought of having antibodies and having to postpone everything even longer. Last night was the worst.
But yesterday was the best. I haven't had that good of a day in a long time. I felt so at peace with everything, it felt so good to be at church again and to be outside with my family and to visit with a good friend in the afternoon.
These up and down feelings are really tough on me. When i am sad, i feel guilty for not being happy and when i am happy, i feel guilty for not being sad. I never even liked roller coasters very much. Now i hate them!
Thank you all for your kind words and support!