Roller coaster of Emotions

Monday, April 7, 2008

Roller coaster of emotions: that phrase has new meaning to me now. Last night I cried myself to sleep, I can't remember ever doing that ( i am sure my mom remembers me doing that though). I cried because my baby died, I cried because i have kidney disease, i cried because i really try to be a good person but i cant figure out why this has happened to me, i cried because i wont be able to have children of my own until this is all done with, i cried because i hate dialysis, i cried because i have this ugly tube coming out of my chest, good-bye public beaches, i cried because no one should have to go through any of these things, but i have to go through all of it, i cried just from the thought of having antibodies and having to postpone everything even longer. Last night was the worst.
But yesterday was the best. I haven't had that good of a day in a long time. I felt so at peace with everything, it felt so good to be at church again and to be outside with my family and to visit with a good friend in the afternoon.
These up and down feelings are really tough on me. When i am sad, i feel guilty for not being happy and when i am happy, i feel guilty for not being sad. I never even liked roller coasters very much. Now i hate them!
Thank you all for your kind words and support!
Katie

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8 Responses to “Roller coaster of Emotions”

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to stop in and say how sorry I am for you and your husband's loss. What a precious boy. I encourage you to draw close to Jesus and one another in the days ahead. (even though you will grieve differently and at different intervals-it hits you at unexpected times)
I will lift you up, Katie, in the weeks ahead and pray for kidney healing and for Robb as he ministers to you during this time. Take care and know God loves you.

Anonymous said...

Isn't it strange how quickly our emotions can change like that? I am always amazed at how I can feel so "at peace" with something one day, and the next I feel like the world is ending. I guess the one reassuring thing about this is that in times of sorrow and the most extreme grief, we can look back at this roller coaster and know that there will be good days ahead....Love you guys!

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog while reading the Audrey Caroline blog. I have never commented on someone's blog who I don't know but I just felt the need to say that I am praying for you. I wouldn't know you if I saw you tomorrow in the grocery store but you have touched my heart. From your story and Audrey's story, I realize just how much I take for granted on a daily basis. I pray that you will feel God's presence throughout this ordeal.

Anonymous said...

I set my alarm to this song so every morning I remember to pray for you.

You are in my prayers....may they carry you when you are too frail to carry yourself.

http://tinyurl.com/4w38d4

The VanderZwaag's said...

Robb, Katie & Family-
I have been meaning to send a card for quite a while however, I just didn't know what to say. We sat behind you at Easter in church and I just can't even understand what you are going through and now with everything else. Know that we are praying for you. I hope that you feel God's presence in all of this.
Praying for healing and peace
Rachel, Neal & Morgan VanderZwaag

Anonymous said...

Hi. I am a semi-lurker from the nest and just want to say I am praying for you. I know some people say everything happens for a reason, but I think that there should be no reason anyone should be dealt the hand you have been playing with. God bless you. Your strength and courage is amazing. You are an inspiration to many. Take care.

Summer & Matt said...

Katie & Robb
I too am a lurker from the nest and just wanted to share with you that I am praying for you and your family! I can't imagine the pain you must feel but I know God holds you both in His hands! The Bible tells us He has a master plan for all his children that believe in Him! I pray God's comfort and peace will be upon you both!

Anonymous said...

I too came across your blog through the nest. I wanted to tell you that even though I don't know you I think you are one of the strongest and most amazing people. No one should have to suffer through the pain and loss that you and your husband have experienced. But what an amazing support system you seem to have in place. Lean on them during this difficult time. God bless you.